


Nothing's Gonna Change My World

by Elsey



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Asexual!Castiel, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, Funerals, Hallucinations, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mary's alive, Mental Disorder, Mental Hospital, Minor Character Death, Sam/Jess - Freeform, asexual!Cas, bobby/ellen - Freeform, dean/lisa (briefly), sam/ruby - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 04:22:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2568053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsey/pseuds/Elsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean Winchester met Castiel Novak, he had no idea how much one man could change his life. In discovering his feelings for Castiel, Dean finds it becoming easier and easier to accept himself. The only problem is, keeping the Winchesters safe and those they love safe has always proved to be a near impossible task. Dean and Castiel try to find a way to break this trend of destruction, but can they do it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing's Gonna Change My World

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I know, I know, I have so much else to write, but I haven't been able to stop with this one! It's my first one chapter only fic, and I'm hoping to Christ it stays that way. I mean, I think I'm done, but I've said that before. I hope you guys enjoy! Feel free to give me feedback and corrections as well as what you like and favourite parts!
> 
> PS. If you really hate Major Character Deaths but still want to read this, go to the End Notes for the spoiler on how this ends/ how it was written.

** Part One: Some Things Are Meant To Be **

 

Sometimes Dean was a jackass. Okay, _most of the time_ Dean was a jackass. But he still couldn’t believe he had forgotten his mother’s birthday. _Again_. As he sat around the table in the restaurant, smiling at his family, most people would have calm and relaxed thoughts, but all he could think of was _shit I hope no one got her presents so I don’t seem like the biggest douche ever_. He was brought out of his little dream world when Sam clinked his knife against his glass.

“So, we have an announcement to make,” Sam told them, smiling widely. Jess moved her left hand forwards, showing the rest of the family the ring that rested on her finger.

“Oh my God, congratulations!” Lisa squealed from beside Dean. He grinned at his brother, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Oh, Jess, honey, welcome to the family!” Mary sniffled, reaching over and taking her hand. “I’m so happy for the two of you!” Sam wrapped his arm around Jess, pulling her into a hug and kissing the top of her forehead. Dean smiled sadly at the two of them. He and Lisa were never like that- _would_ never be like that. He wished there was a chance for them, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew this wouldn’t last- it never did.

“Always did want a sister. I mean, Samantha here is nice-” Dean said, ruffling Sam’s too-long hair, “but a real female is always a good addition.” Sam rolled his eyes and flattened his hair down. Jess just grinned at Dean.

“Oh, we got you something, Mary,” Jess said, reaching behind herself and pulling a small box out of her purse. Dean cursed under his breath and Lisa stomped on his foot, glaring at him.

“You didn’t need too!” Mary exclaimed, yet a smile still graced her face when she accepted the box. She opened it before holding a hand to her mouth, looking from the box to Sam and back. Sam put his hand over the back of his neck, looking sheepishly at his mother. She began to laugh under her hand, but Dean wasn’t sure if it was really a laugh when she began to cry. “Oh, Sam- how did you ever find it?” Dean craned his neck to see what was in the box. Mary carefully lifted it out, revealing an open locket.

“Mom?” he asked, brows pressed together. Mary shook her head, still staring at the locket.

“I thought it burned,” she said, a breathy laugh leaving her as she looked at Sam. “Where did you ever find it?”

“Is that-?” Dean asked, reaching out to grab the locket. Mary nodded, passing it to her eldest son.

“The locket your father gave me when we were married. There’s- there’s a picture of John and I at the wedding and one of the four of us a month after Sam was born.” Dean cradled the locket gently in his hands, smiling down at the pictures. His father looked as happy as he remembered him being. John hadn’t always been smiles, he knew that, but around Dean John had been the happiest man in the world.

John had died when Dean was four, giving Sam to Dean before running back into the burning nursery for Mary. She was badly burned and the scars were still along her left arm and face. John had put his clothes over Mary’s face to keep her from inhaling smoke while he later died from what he saved her of. Mary had lost the locket in the fire, thinking she would never see it again. Dean remembered when she found out it was gone- it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, it seemed. Not only had she lost her husband, her house, most of her family pictures of her parents, she lost the one gift her husband ever gave her. And it crushed her.

“I went to the old house,” Sam told her. “There’s a man living there now, he let me take a look around. I don’t know how it’s possible, but he knew exactly what it was. He found it in the vents, put it in a kitchen drawer.” Mary stood, moving to Sam and wrapping him in a hug. Sam stood too, squeezing her tightly.

“Thank you, baby,” she whispered, that same smile still on her face. Dean was still holding the locket. _Well_ , he thought, _I’m fucked in the gift department._ He snapped the locket closed and placed it back at his mother’s spot at the table. Lisa elbowed Dean in the side, sliding something in his lap. Dean looked down at a neatly wrapped package, frowning before he looked back at his girlfriend, who waved her hand at him. Mary finally released Sam, sitting back down and sliding the necklace over her head for the first time in twenty three years. She wiped her eyes with a laugh. “I’m so ridiculous.”

“No you’re not,” Dean mumbled. Mary reached over and placed her hand on Dean’s arm. “Here.” He lifted the box from his lap and gave it to his mother. “This is from Lisa. I… I was stupid, and I forgot because I suck. She remembered, I didn’t.” Mary shook her head.

“I didn’t ask for anything. Thank you, Lisa. And Dean- you’re all I need. I promise,” she said, taking his hand after setting the box down.

“Glad I went through all that trouble,” Sam joked. Mary chuckled, patting his shoulder.

“I’m happy you did.” Sam wrapped an arm around Jess, who leaned her head against his chest. Mary opened the box from Lisa, picking up two tickets from it. “Lisa, thank you so much. These are wonderful.” She smiled warmly at the girl. “Would you care to join me? I hear it’s a wonderful play.”

“I’d love to. I read the book in high school and thought you might have too.”

“I read it when I was pregnant with Dean, actually. I think he absorbed it from me, the boy sure loves his classics.”

“I’m sorry, what play is this?” Dean asked.

“Twelve Angry Men,” Lisa responded instantly. Dean nodded- he enjoyed the book and the movie alike. Maybe he wanted to see the play. Not that he was going to say anything.

The rest of the night was uneventful- dinner was delicious and no one had desert in fear of Sam going off on a health rant. Even Jess gave Dean an eye roll when the offer of dessert came up; he could tell the girl had taste. A year back Sam had insisted they go to dinner together and she had ordered a burger and fries with cake for dessert. While Dean was a pie man, he could appreciate a good cake when he saw one.

Dean and Lisa headed back to his apartment while Sam and Jess went to Mary’s house with her. They headed back to California the next morning after a three day stay and Dean would deny to anyone who asked that he gave Sam a hug that lasted longer than necessary. The two would be the best lawyer combo in the state, he was sure of it. As they drove home, Lisa continued giving him strange looks from the passenger seat.

“Maybe I should head back to my apartment instead. I mean, you don’t work tomorrow and I wouldn’t want my alarm to wake you.”

“It hasn’t yet, it’s no big deal, Lis.”

“Dean.” When he glanced in her direction she was facing the window, her hair covering her face.

“Don’t do this. Not tonight.”

“Where is this going? Really, Dean. It’s been a year. Are we going any further together? Marriage… kids, even?” Dean flinched at marriage and Lisa shook her head. “That’s what I thought. I love you, Dean, but you just… you drive me insane. I can’t do this shit with you if you’re not going to try. Do you even love me, Dean?” Dean was silent, gripping the wheel as he stared out the window.

“I care for you, Lisa, I really do. But marriage? Kids? I… I don’t think I can commit to that.” Lisa nodded, chewing on her bottom lip.

“So this is it, then?” Dean sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“I don’t want it to be. I like what we have. But… I don’t know if I can give you what you want right now.” She sighed.

“Would you hate me if I wanted to sleep on this?” she asked. Dean chuckled.

“No, I’d call you smart. Ditching this gorgeous piece of ass isn’t an easy thing to do.” Dean could practically feel her roll her eyes. “But seriously. I get it. If you want to stay, I’ll stay. If it’s not enough… I get it.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Lisa mumbled, continuing to stare at the passing city. Dean stopped in front of her building, letting her out of the car with a wave. Lisa gave him a strange smile, closing the door and walking inside. Driving home, all Dean could think of was that his seeming to be a psychic was the worst thing that could have happened to him.

\---------------------------

Dean stopped the Impala across the street from his childhood home. He looked up at the building and nostalgia washed over him. The tire swing was still in that old tree. Weathered and the rope nearly falling off, he remembered when his dad would push him back and forth, Mary watching from the stoop, a hand over her swollen stomach. Dean could remember the smell of freshly baked pie while his mother yelled at his father over the phone. He remembered holding baby Sammy on the couch, his dad next to him holding a beer with one hand and other resting under Sam just in case Dean dropped him. He never did.

Dean pushed these thoughts aside, feeling foolish that he was sitting in his car just staring at an old house. And old it was. It looked like it hadn’t been painted since after the town gave it a new coat after the fire. Whoever was living here seemed like they could use some help. Dean got out of the car, appreciating the squeak of her doors now more than ever. He stepped onto the street and crossed over, walking up the worn path to the door.

He paused before knocking, soaking in the familiar scenery.

The door opened to reveal a man in a blue t shirt and sweat pants, a book in one hand with his finger holding the book open on the page. But that wasn’t what struck Dean. It was his eyes. The man had the most striking blue eyes Dean had ever seen- he couldn’t look away, mesmerized by their sheer beauty. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t seem to find any words. The man squinted and tilted his head (as if that wasn’t the most adorable thing) before rubbing at the back of his neck, some of his dark brown hair falling to his forehead. Dean cursed in his mind- how could this guy also having fucking arm muscles? Was that even fair?

“Can I help you?” Strange Hot Guy, as Dean had dubbed him, asked.

“Uh, yeah, sorry, um, I’m Dean,” he said unintelligibly, placing a hand over his own chest. Strange Hot Guy gestured for him to continue. “I think you met my brother, Sam. Moose sized, long hair, kinda goofy looking.”

“Oh, yes. You’re the brother he mentioned. I see.” Strange Hot Guy gave him a look that seemed to be into his soul, which was somehow both creepy as _fuck_ as well as super arousing.

“Yeah. I was just wondering if maybe you had some other stuff you’d found. Like in the basement or something. We got out pretty fast when I was little, y’know?” Strange Hot Guy nodded his head, stepping back and gesturing for Dean to enter, which he did. “Uh, sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“I didn’t offer it,” he said with a slight frown, setting his book down.

“Oh. Right,” Dean muttered, feeling like an idiot.

“Castiel.”

“What?” Dean turned away from a shelf he had been looking at, facing Strange Hot Guy and wondering what in the hell that word meant.

“My name,” he stated. “It’s Castiel.”

“I’mma stick with Cas- if that’s cool with you?” He looked slightly taken aback.

“’Cas’ is fine,” he told him. Dean wanted to smack himself in the face. Guy used actual air quotes around the word ‘Cas’. _Not adorable. Not at all_ , Dean thought to himself. He had accepted long ago that he liked dudes as well as chicks, but he hadn’t acted on that so far other than the occasional make out session in the back of a bar as a teenager. This guy, though. Damn, what was it that was seeming to draw him into this guy? “Dean?” he asked, pulling Dean out of his thoughts.

“Huh? Oh, sorry. What’d you ask?”

“I was curious if you would be interested in following me to the basement, as there are some unopened boxes in that area that were in the home before I arrived.” Dean stepped back, looking at Cas with bewilderment.

“Could you say that, like, six times slower?” Cas rolled his eyes- guy was as sarcastic as Dean, it seemed.

“I _asked_ if you’d accompany me to the basement. To look in boxes.”

“Okay I heard it _that_ time. Yeah, sure, as long as you promise not to murder me,” Dean said with a shrug.

Cas deadpanned, saying “I never make promises I cannot keep.” and walking away towards where Dean remembered the basement door being. He followed behind, unsure as to why when the guy seemed to be one hundred percent serious, and clomped down the stairs after him. Cas flipped on the lights and made his way across the dimly lit room, stopping before a corner that had a small pyramid of old, weathered boxes.

“Wow, we left all these?” Dean asked, sliding a hand across the top. Cas shrugged.

“There may have been more. I believe the previous owners had been here since right after you left, so they may have disposed of other objects left lying around.” Dean nodded, and lifted one of the boxes down, a smaller one.

“Do you want me to just take these, or…?”

“I don’t mind you opening them down here. I don’t have to work today, and I have been curious myself of what these contain.” Dean nodded, setting the box on the floor and plopping down next to it as ungracefully as one man could manage. Cas must’ve been some kind of freakin’ yoga master or something. He somehow managed to land in a cross legged position on the floor silently. Dean shot him a look before ripping open the old box. He laughed out loud before controlling himself, shaking his head. “What is it?” Cas asked, peering past Dean and into the box.

“It’s, uh, it’s one of those mobile things. When my brother was a baby I climbed up over his crib and dropped this thing down on ‘im. As soon as my mom told him about it he blamed that- and me – as the reason he’s so scared ‘a clowns.” Dean chuckled, closing the box up and tossing it aside, muttering under his breath as he stood to grab two more boxes, settling down next to Cas.

The next six contained trivial things, little knickknacks and the like- a lamp here, an empty picture frame there. The second last box Dean opened made his breath catch in his throat. Cas, who had been laughing at some of the things his mother had had on display in their house, turned towards Dean at the sound. Dean was sure he’d never been so gentle in his entire life as when he lifted that old stuffed rabbit out of the box. He brought it before his face, looking into the one eye it had left, faded and worn over the years. Dean could smell him from here- it was _the_ rabbit. It was _his_ rabbit.

“What is it?” Cas asked, reaching forwards to touch a scuffed ear.

“It’s, uh, my rabbit, Ears. My dad gave him to me when I was a baby. I carried this thing with me everywhere until…”

“Until the fire?” Cas guessed. Dean nodded numbly.

“I always just guessed he was burned, not left in a basement for twenty three years.” Dean smiled at his old friend, gently putting him back in his box to be taken home with Dean. There was no way Ears was being tossed like a bunch of the junk he had found. Lisa would probably find it foolish, his bringing home a stuffed toy, but Dean couldn’t find it in himself to give a flying fuck.

“I’m glad you could be reunited,” Cas offered, smiling at Dean from beside him.

“Thanks, Cas.” Cas nodded and gestured at the last box. Dean opened it up and frowned, finding it to be full of random papers, most of them in envelopes with his parent’s names handwritten on the backs of them. Dean opened one envelope, curious, and began to read in his head-

_My dearest Mary,_

_I know you want to leave your parents behind, but just give it a while. My service will be done soon, I promise, and after that we can buy that car and just get away. Hell, we don’t even have to go back if you don’t want to. All I want is for us to be happy. Together. I hope to be home before Christmas, but I can’t make any promises about that. Things are going well here, and I unfortunately only have a moment to write._

_I love you._

_Don’t forget it._

_-John_

Dean read and reread the note. He saw that Cas was sitting patiently beside him, very careful not to look at the paper himself. Dean was thankful for that- this was private, not something he really wanted to share with a stranger, even though at this point Cas seemed like friend material.

“They’re letters my parents wrote to each other. My dad fought in Nam,” Dean told him, stuffing the paper back in the envelope and tossing it in the box. He closed the lid. In all honesty, these weren’t for him either. They were for his mother and his mother alone.

“I see. My father also fought in the Vietnam War. Perhaps he and your father knew each other.”

“Maybe. I wouldn’t know, but my mom might. Dad never talked about the war with me- I was just a kid when he died. What was your dad’s name?”

“James Novak. My brother always said I was a spitting image of him,” Cas said with a chuckle.

“I’ll ask her when I get home. Man, I’ve been going on and on while we looked through these boxes, but I don’t know anything ‘bout you, Cas.” His face seemed to have a resting appearance of a frown and it only deepened at Dean’s comment.

“I’m the youngest of seven.” Dean whistled.

“Man, your mom’s one tough lady.”

“She was,” Castiel breathed. Dean froze for a moment.

“Shit, Cas, sorry, man-” Cas waved his hand.

“It was a long time ago. It’s fine, really. My father, he passed away ’76 and my mother was left with the six kids. She had found out two weeks after he died she was pregnant with me, and… she passed giving birth to me. My brother Michael raised the rest of us. He is twenty years my senior. Then there is Lucifer, Gabriel, Anael, Hael and myself. Our cousin, Balthazar, we count him as a sibling as well. He came to live with us before I was born and is nine years my senior.”

“Wow. Lotta kids.”

“Indeed. My family did not have much money, so everyone began work as soon as they could. It was an interesting childhood. I became very good at throwing newspapers from my bicycle.” Cas smiled at the memory and Dean smiled along, remembering his own time as a delivery boy with Sam running behind his bike, whining about Dean being too fast. Of course, Dean always slowed down. Mary, as a single mother, did her very best. She worked two jobs to keep them afloat, so if that meant Dean watching little Sammy and making sure he got dinner every night, he didn’t mind it one bit.

“Yeah, I got a delivery job myself. The ladies in the neighbourhood thought I was ‘charming’. Always got a tip.” Castiel chuckled from beside him.

“They all thought I was a nuisance. I hardly got the payments from some of them. Often times I would have to build up the courage to knock on their doors and ask for the money.”

“Yeah, I know what y-” Dean stopped when his phone began ringing. Frowning, he pulled it from his pocket and hit the ‘answer’ button without checking the number. “Sorry,” he whispered to Cas, who just waved his hand, and then, louder, “Hello?”

“Dean? It’s mom.”

“Mom? What is it? Why are you crying, are you okay?” Dean stood, brows knit together, Cas following him from a distance as he crossed the basement.

“It’s Jess,” she sobbed. “There’s been an accident.”

\--------------------------

It was like Dean was thrown back to being four. Sam and Jess had arrived home to their campus building. Jess had crashed right away, but Sam was hungry and went out for groceries. When he got home there were firefighters everywhere. A wire had short circuited in their apartment area in the bedroom. The entire place went up in flames, and by the time that anyone had realized what had happened, Jess had been dead.

Dean had never run so fast as when he left Cas’s house. Cas hadn’t asked for an explanation, just let him leave, and Dean was grateful.

Dean hated flying. He white knuckled the entire three hours on that silver tube of death with his mother next to him, trying his best to breathe while they made their way to California. Sam was a wreck, but it’s not like Dean expected anything else. Hell, all of them were a mess- Lisa was on the other side of Dean, holding his hand tightly. She had insisted on coming for the funeral. God, how Dean hated thinking that word- _funeral_. He had been to too many funerals already- dad, Ellen, Jo- just too many in his short life.

When they landed Dean nearly sprinted off the plane. The three of them only had carryon items so they made it out as quickly as possible. Sam was staying with friends of his, the apartment completely destroyed. They headed straight for this Zach’s house, arriving in record time after Dean slipped the cabbie an extra fifty to get them there quickly. A man, Zach, Dean assumed, opened the door and let them in. Sam was on the couch just staring blankly at a wall.

“Sammy?” Dean asked, the first to go to him. Sam turned to face his brother and Dean got a good look at how red and puffy his eyes really were. Before he was entirely sure what was happening, Sam was on his feet and wrapping his arms around Dean, holding onto his big brother for dear life, head buried in Dean’s shoulder and tears slowly leaking onto his shirt. Dean held him back, whispering soft words into his ear and running his fingers down Sam’s back. Dean knew Mary would want to be there for Sam instead at this moment, but Dean also knew that he and Sam had a stronger bond. Which is why he assumed that Lisa led Mary out of the room and Zach took the hint, leaving them completely alone. Dean didn’t let go until Sam did, and even then he kept one hand on his brother to be sure that he was real. Sam was alive. _Sam was alive_. Seeing his brother truly made it hit him- Sam could have _died_ if he had been in that room. Dean could be here for two funerals, not one. It made Dean grip his brother in another hug, this time both of them clinging and Dean fighting tears. He had loved Jess, but Sam was his _brother_. He couldn’t live without his brother.

“All my fault,” Sam mumbled into his brother’s shoulder.

“No, Sammy, no,” Dean breathed back. “It was an accident. A total accident.” Sam made a hiccupping noise, gripping Dean tighter.

“If I’d stayed-”

“You’d be dead too,” Dean said, pushing him back and looking up at him. “I can’t lose you, Sammy. _I can’t_.” Sam looked up at the ceiling, gritting his teeth.

“I loved her so much, Dean.”

“We all did.”

“How am I supposed to do this? We were supposed to be with each other forever. Why did this have to happen? Haven’t we suffered enough?” At that, Dean couldn’t think of any words, just hugged him for the third time. He had no idea how Sam was feeling. Losing John had hurt, but Dean had been a kid. In reality, what had hurt the most was seeing his mother’s reaction. Ellen and Jo were like family, but Sam had lost the love of his life. Not even Mary and John had been as perfectly paired as Sam and Jess. And now… now Jess was gone and Sam was shattered. The problem was that Dean didn’t know where to start gluing the pieces back together.

Mary and Lisa reentered the room, Mary going to her youngest and embracing him, Sam holding her just as tightly as he had Dean. Lisa didn’t make a move to hug him, but Sam crossed the room and wrapped his arms around her anyways. She patted his back, moving her hand in small circles. When all of the sobbing and the greetings were finished, the four of them crowded onto the only couch in the room when Zach came back in and took the armchair, his girlfriend sitting on the arm of it. No one spoke a word. There wasn’t anything to say.

\---------------------------

Sam came home with them after the funeral. He said he needed some time. He was taking two weeks off of work to stay home. He worked as an intern at a law firm while he was in his first year of law school, which had ended a month before. He and Jess had had dreams of starting their own firm together. Now Sam just had dreams of getting through the night and not drowning in his own mind. Dean did his best to help his brother, but he knew it wasn’t doing much for him.

After a week of Sam crashing in his apartment, he broke up with Lisa. He told her that it was for the best. She told him she loved him and she had made her decision to stay, and he told her it wasn’t the right time. Too much was happening with not only Sam but Dean too and Lisa didn’t need this kind of shit in her life. She had been angry when she left, but Dean felt lighter. Sam hadn’t said a word, just closed the door when Lisa started to yell.

When Dean offered to bring Sam back to the old house with him to get those boxes he forgot, Sam cringed and refused. Dean wanted to punch himself- of course he wouldn’t want to go back. That’s where he and Jess had been on the last day before she died, searching out that necklace. Dean left his brother with a bowl of Lucky Charms and some kind of action movie, going down to the Impala and driving the twenty minutes to his first home. He didn’t even seem to wonder if Cas would be home or not or whether he should call first- he just drove, trying to clear all of the shit out of his mind. He parked the Impala in the same place as last time and crossed the street.

Knocking on Cas’s door, he noted that the car was in the driveway, which he hoped was a sign that meant that Cas was home. It turned out he was right when Cas opened the door. Dean’s breath caught in his throat- _damn_ that man was attractive. It truly wasn’t fair. Cas’s eyes widened when he saw Dean.

“You’re back.” Dean rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, noticing that this time Cas was wearing a dark shirt and dress shoes, a trench coat in his hand.

“Uh, yeah, sorry for just showing up again. I left those boxes, so…”

“So you wish to retrieve them. I see. Come in, I’m just getting home from work.” Dean entered, kicking his boots off at the door. He had felt like shit after he realized he hadn’t the last time, so he made sure to do so.

“Where do you work, Cas?” Dean asked, following him back to the basement. Cas hung the trench coat up on a hook as they passed it. Dean hoped Cas wouldn’t realize that he was stalling for time, hoping to avoid the topic of Jess for as long as possible. Hell, maybe Cas just wanted Dean out of his house and didn’t give a rat’s ass about why he left last time, just wanted him to leave now too.

“I’m a Holy Tax Accountant,” he said, once again deadpanning. Dean cocked an eyebrow as they stopped outside of the door to the basement. “That was a, uh, a joke. Due to the nature of my name I assumed having an angelic profession would be comical and the tax accountants often wear trench coats-”

“It’s not funny if you have to explain it, Cas,” he chuckled. Cas lowered his eyes to the floor.

“I see. I am still unaccustomed to how most people view humour. The true nature of my work is a doctor. I am a pediatric physician at Lawrence General Hospital.”

“A doctor? Really? That’s awesome, Cas.” He frowned slightly.

“You believe it to be ‘awesome’?”

“’Course I do, you help out little kids for a living.” Cas smiled at that.

“And what is it that you do, Dean?”

“I’m a mechanic. I work out at Singer Auto if you ever need your car fixed.”

“I’ll bear that in mind for future reference.” They headed down to the basement without further conversation, Cas helping Dean grab the boxes and take them out to the Impala. With both of them working together it only took them ten minutes. Dean was disappointed it hadn’t taken longer; the more time he got to spend with Cas, the better. Wait, no! He didn’t need to spend time with Cas. What was wrong with his brain?

_Maybe Sam losing Jess is making your mind see what it truly wants_ , a part of Dean’s brain whispered. Dean glowered at his own thoughts, trying to push them aside.

“Would you care for a beverage?” Cas asked. “After lifting these boxes I would not wish to see you dehydrated.” Right. Because being dehydrated isn’t very good for you. Staying a few extra minutes with Cas wouldn’t hurt anything. Just a friendly visit. That’s all.

“Yeah, that’d be great, Cas,” Dean grinned, walking back up to the house with him. Cas gestured for him to sit at the table and be did so.

“There’s iced tea as well as milk, or I could you coffee or tea if you prefer. I’m making myself some tea, so it would be no issue.” Dean shrugged.

“I’m a child at heart, so why not some iced tea?” Cas nodded. He poured Dean a glass and placed it in front of him before starting the kettle and settling across from him, folding his hands together on the table. Cas had taken his jacket off on his second trip and rolled up the sleeves of his work shirt; Dean was trying _really_ hard not to notice how nice Cas’s forearms were.

“I don’t mean to pry,” Cas began, and Dean bit back a groan. Thar she blows. “but you left in quite a hurry on your previous visit, and I just wish to be sure that you are all right.” Dean blew out a breath.

“It’s… Cas, lemme get something straight with you- my life is shit. Not being my own pity party here, I’m just stating facts. My dad was the one who died in the fire at this house. Lost my mom’s best friend Ellen and her kid show when they got robbed at their restaurant. And last week when I was here my mom called to tell me Sam, my brother, his fiancée died in a fire.” Cas was staring at him with such sincere sorrow in his eyes that it took Dean aback. He reached across the table and took Dean’s hands in his own. Dean was bewildered- he had just started to view these shitty things as shitty things and less as people he cared about dying. Sometimes it was weird to think that he loved all these people, and that other people would have reactions other than ‘well, there’s another one’.

“Dean… I deeply regret the death if your brother’s fiancée, I believe I met her, she was lovely. It must be difficult. I wish I could help ease this burden you must carry, I truly do.” Dean flicked his eyes from the table to Cas’s.

“Thanks, Cas,” he mumbled, looking down again. Cas released his hands and Dean hated that he wished he hadn’t. Cas’s kettle finished boiling and he stood to get that as well as a teacup and a teabag. He sat back down with them, taking a teaspoon Dean hadn’t seen him grab and spinning it in the cup. They drank in silence. After a few moments, Cas stood and went to the fridge, ripping off a piece of notepaper and grabbing the pen that rested on the top of the pad. He scribbled something down on it and folded it, giving it to Dean. “What’s this?” he asked, unfolding it.

“My home phone as well as my cell. Calling may be better for both of us next time in case I am not home and you make the drive for nothing.” Dean pocketed the paper.

“Probably a good idea. I’ll text you from my cell phone. Guess I’m gonna have to learn to text,” Dean said with a laugh.

“I could always teach you.” And _fuck_ , why did Dean find that so goddam attractive? Stupid Cas and his stupid sex voice and his stupid messy hair.

“I, uh, I think Sammy can. It’ll get his mind off… y’know.” Cas nodded, leaning back in his chair and draining the rest of his tea.

“Well, if you change your mind, you now have my number.” Dean nodded.

“Oh,” he said, reaching into the breast pocket of his jacket, “here. This is the card for Singer’s Auto. Just in case you break down or something.” Cas nodded and pulled out his wallet, placing the card in one of the slots. Dean stood, wincing when he scraped his chair on the floor- he hated that sound. “I think I should head back. Don’t wanna worry Sam.” Did Cas look… sad? Dean brushed it off, standing idly while Cas turned his back to him, placing their dishes in the sink.

“Well it was lovely to see you again, Dean. Please do figure out texting- I would very much enjoy hearing from you. Soon,” Cas said, offering a smile and a gesture to walk Dean to the door. Both men had put their shoes back on when they realized lazy man’s load wasn’t going to work and they would have more than one trip outside. As they made their way down the walk, Dean couldn’t help a lingering stare and soft smile at that tire swing. He guessed that the people who had been here before Cas had had kids too and had decided to keep it there for them to play. He wondered if Cas would ever take it down. He secretly hoped not.

“So I guess this is goodbye,” Dean said, leaning on the open door of the Impala.

“I suppose so, yes,” Cas said, standing in the road with his hands in his pockets. Dean’s eyes (stupidly) flashed down to Cas’s lips- and Cas seemed to notice.

“Uh, yeah, bye,” Dean stammered, clumsily getting into the car and starting it up, peeling out of there with a wave through the window, leaving Cas behind in his rearview mirror with his hand raised in a farewell wave.

Dean drove with Led Zeppelin blaring the entire ride home, doing bid damnedest not to think about Cas. Or Cas’s lips. Or how great Cas’s ass looked in those pants.

God fucking dammit.

As Dean pulled into his parking spot, he got out of the Impala and grabbed the two boxes that wouldn’t be going to his mom’s house. One had Ears in it and the other had Dean and Sam’s old race cars in it. Dean climbed the stairs to his second level apartment, swearing when he dropped the keys as he tried to open the door.

“Sammy, I’m back!” he called out, dropping the boxes on a table and the keys in a little bowl Sam had made for him back when he had a crafting class in high school. “Sam?” Dean wandered into the living room, stopping with a sad smile as he saw Sam curled up on the couch, knees to his chest, one arm wrapped around them and the other over his head. Dean kicked off his boots and moved to grab Sam a blanket from the hall closet, draping it over his brother.

“Jess?” Sam asked, voice heavy with sleep. Dean felt a pang in his heart.

“No, buddy, it’s Dean,” he whispered, readjusting the blanket as Sam stretched out.

“’Kay,” Sam mumbled, rolling over and falling back asleep. Dean collapsed into the chair opposite of the couch, head in his hands. What was he supposed to do about all of this? He had a Sasquatch in his apartment and thoughts of fucking a doctor in his mind.

Where had that come from?

How had ‘pretty eyes and a cute ass’ turned into ‘I’d tap that shit’? And when did thinking that thought make Dean consider more than a ‘I’d tap that once’ and more of a ‘I’d tap that for a long time’? Dean sat up, stretching his legs out and crossing his arms over his chest. He smiled to himself as he watched Sam snoring softly in his sleep, body twitching every once in a while. He wasn’t sure when consciousness faded into blackness.

\-----------------------

Eight days after Sam left, Dean decided that the best way to get all of this shit off of his mind was to get as drunk as possible. He used to go to The Roadhouse for drinks. He didn’t anymore.

Instead he went to one of the only decent bars in town, King’s House. It was owned by a douche named Crowley and Dean hated the guy’s guts, but damn did he have some fine whiskey. Dean hadn’t been there in almost three months and Crowley greeted him as if he never left. Just after he had ordered his first finger of whiskey, he felt a hand clap over his shoulder. Turning, he found himself staring up at a familiar face. Dean got off of the barstool and embraced his old friend.

“Benny!” he exclaimed, clapping the man on the back.

“Dean, brotha’! It’s been too long, my friend!” Benny drawled, letting go of Dean and taking the stool next to him, twiddling his beer bottle between his hands.

“You said it, man. Damn it’s good to see you!”

“So how’s Lisa? And Sam, did he get into that law school he wanted?” It felt like ice was shot through his veins. Shit. He’d completely forgotten to call Benny during all of this. Dean looked down at the counter, taking a sip of his whiskey and avoiding Benny’s eye. “Dean?”

“It, uh. Kinda went downhill fast.”

“What did? What happened?” Benny asked, sitting up straight and resting his elbow on the counter.

“Man, everything just kinda sucks. I broke up with Lisa.” Benny whistled lowly.

“Sorry to hear that, brotha’.”

“Sam got engaged…” Benny clapped him on the back, a grin taking over his expression.

“That’s great news! When’s the weddin’?”

“…and almost a month ago she died in a fire.” Benny froze. Dean looked up at Crowley and ordered a beer, having just chugged down the rest of his whiskey.

“I… Dean, shit, man. I don’t even know what to say.” Dean waved his hand at his friend.

“Nothing to say, man.” Before Benny could respond, his phone beeped and he groaned.

“Dean, I’m sorry, some jackass just lost a hand at work. They’re callin’ me in.” Dean made a shooing gesture.

“Go, I’m fine. Just thought you ought to know is all.” Benny gave him a concerned look before standing and placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Everything will be okay, Dean. You’ll see.” With that, Benny left, the bar door slamming behind him. Dean sat at the counter, staring down the next of beer and wondering if drowning himself in alcohol would make all of the shit go away. He turned on the stool, glancing out at the bar around him. A young couple were sitting in a booth near the back, barely able to keep their hands off each other. Three guys sat laughing and drinking various things. Two girls were together at a table, another alone and looking like she wanted it to stay that way. Another girl across the room caught Dean’s eye and winked. He smiled back at her, but wasn’t interested that night. Which was weird for him. Was he just not over Lisa yet? No, that wasn’t it. He knew what it was. He wasn’t going to damn well think it, though. It was like he was a fucking psychic.

There he was, sitting at a table all to his lonesome, trench coat shoved onto a seat across from his, head in his hands and tie askew. Dean stood from the stool, making his way through the bar and past the winking girl, who seemed confused that he didn’t stop at her table. He sat down across from Cas, placing a fresh beer before the man and taking a pull from his own. Cas looked up and Dean smiled at him, but it slowly faded away.

“Hey, Cas, what is it?” Dean asked, reaching across the table to grab his arm. Cas downed a shot before shaking his head.

“It’s good to see you, Dean,” he mumbled, gravelly voice sending more shivers down Dean’s spine than it should. Dean lowered his head, trying to get a view of Cas’s face. He looked utterly exhausted.

“Dude, what in the hell happened to you?” Cas looked up, rubbing his face before leaning his head back and running his hands through his hair.

“I lost someone, Dean.” Dean’s breath caught in his throat. “Her name was Nina. She had leukemia and there was no donor. She passed away an hour ago. She… she was _seven_ , Dean. _Seven_.” Dean opened his mouth before closing it. Cas sighed deeply. “I’m so tired, Dean. So very exhausted. Do you understand at all?” And he did. He knew what Cas was talking about. The physical exhaustion was nothing compared to the constant mental strain. Dean reached across the table and took Cas’s hand in his own, rubbing small circles in the skin. Cas’s head fell to his chest and he released a loud breath.

“Life is a strange, thing, Cas,” was all Dean could think to say. Cas let out a humourless laugh.

“It is, isn’t it?” he muttered. Dean paused before his next words, moving his hands back to his side of the table.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I just wish for company, if you would be willing to give it.” Dean nodded. They both grabbed their beers and took a sip. The evening was filled with idle conversation between the two of them, small chuckles and more orders of alcohol. Cas, specifically, had a lot of booze. A fuckton is a good summary of the amount.

“So _your brother_ jumped off a _shed_?” Cas asked, laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. Dean smiled lightly from across the table, nodding his head. “Doesn’t he know that Batman cannot fly!?”

“That’s what I said!” Dean exclaimed, raising his hands in the air. _Finally_ , someone who got it. Laughing, Cas turned, likely looking for the waitress. “I don’t think so, buddy. I’m cuttin’ you off. C’mon,” he said, standing and grabbing Cas by the elbow. He stood clumsily and immediately grabbed onto Dean for support, swaying a little on his feet.

“I’m fine. I can drive, I assure you,” Cas said confidently, leaving Dean’s side and falling flat on his face. Rolling his eyes, Dean reached down and pulled him back to his feet, slinging his arm under Cas’s shoulders.

“No way in hell, Cas. Besides, you live too far out. C’mon, my building’s like seven minutes from here walking, you can crash there.” Cas waved his hand.

“Dean, I’m _fine_.”

“You’re not. And I’m too drunk to legally drive. So let’s get on it,” Dean said, reaching behind them and grabbing Cas’s suit jacket as well as his trench coat. Cas pouted, dragging his feet and reminding Dean of Sammy when they were kids. Dean waved a farewell to Crowley and somehow managed to get his inebriated friend onto the street. The whole walk, Cas huffed and puffed and muttered under his breath that he was _fine, Dean_ and that he _didn’t need a babysitter_. Dean just rolled his eyes and kept going. Eventually, Dean had to let Cas stand on his own while he unlocked the door to his apartment (long ago a teenager had broken the front entrance security lock) and had to run down the hall and retrieve and very not stealthy Cas, who was making his grand escape.

“Deeeeean,” he whined, frowning as he was dragged back.

“Cas, shut the fuck up,” Dean hissed, pushing him inside. “The lady next door had like six fuckin’ kids and she’ll kick my ass if I wake them up _again_.” Cas sighed dramatically but didn’t push it. Dean set his jackets on the back of a chair and when he turned around, Cas had stripped down to his boxers and was attempting to go further. Dean raised his hands and moved forwards, trying to keep his breathing even. “Whoa there, tiger, let’s keep those on, huh?” Cas gave him a confused look before pulling his boxers all the way up and throwing his hands in the air, marching to the couch. _Damn_ , Dean hadn’t known back muscles could be so attractive. Ever. And fuck, was this guy a professional runner or something? _Those fucking thighs_. Dean shook his head, moving towards the couch where Cas had sprawled out.

“Thank you, Dean,” he mumbled, turning his back to Dean and snuggling up into the couch cushions, half of his body shoved down into the crack of the couch. Dean stifled a laugh and headed back to his own bedroom, just shoving his boots off of his feet and unceremoniously collapsing onto the mattress, asleep by the time his head hit the pillow.

Dean awoke fuck knows how much later to someone jabbing him in the ribs.

“Fucking- hell!?” he gasped, eyes opening and hands moving to push someone off of him. He was met with empty air above him, but a groan beside him as someone shifted and kicked his leg. “Cas, _what the fuck_?”

“It’s boring out there, Dean,” Cas whined. Dean’s vision adjusted to the darkness and he found himself squished against a nightstand with Cas on the majority of the bed, blankets pulled over him and his head on the only pillow.

“It’s fucking supposed to be boring you _idiot_ you’re fucking well supposed to be _sleeping_. _Jesus fuck_.” Dean moved and tried to wiggle his way back into bed and kick Cas out, but the man just kneed him in the stomach and pressed his hands against Dean’s face.

“Noooo, Deeeean. Lemme stay. Bed’s so comfy,” he mumbled, facing Dean and grabbing him to pull him closer, squeezing the life out of him as he hugged him, going for full octopus when he wrapped his legs around Dean’s. Dean froze for a moment before he pushed away. “Nooo.”

“Cas-” Dean bit out, but was stopped when he had to avoid getting his teeth smacked off the top of Cas’s head. “Cas, lemme out, I’ll crash in the spare room, it’s fine.”

“But you’re soooo warm, Dean. Warmer than the couch.” Dean rolled his eyes, giving one final effort to get out of this death grip.

“Fine!” he shouted. “Fine, stay here! Jesus, just go the fuck to sleep!” Cas sighed contentedly, burying his face in Dean’s shirt. Dean found his arms wrapped around the man too, and when had that happened? Soon enough, Cas was snoring lightly. But in a cute, fluffy, adorable way, not Sam’s dying goat noises from Satan’s asshole playing the fuckin’ tuba snores. Jesus, it’s a wonder Dean even lived through his childhood with such little sleep. As he lay there in the dark, a body full of Cas on his, Dean realized he wasn’t even freaking out inside. This… this was nice. Laying here with another human being, nothing romantic, just… trusting someone enough to fall asleep in their arms.

Whoa, _wait_. When did Dean turn into such a girl? Holy _shit_ he needed to clear this up and clear it up fast. But. In the morning. When he wouldn’t disturb Cas. Who was right, by the way. It was awful warm…

Dean awoke to his face pressed right beside Cas’s. His eyes opened to find the other man’s closed. Dean tried to move, but it was fruitless- they were a tangle of limbs and clothes that weren’t going to be separated unless he woke Cas up.

_Cas_.

Dammit, did Cas even want this weird ass cuddle session? He was fucking _hammered_ last night, and if was going to freak out later on when he found out Dean didn’t immediately end this, Dean didn’t want any of that shit. So Dean somehow managed to get his arm away from- _FUCKING HELL WAS THAT CAS’S CROTCH?_

_Chill, Winchester, chill! It’s cool. Guys sometimes platonically grope their friend’s dicks in the night. Oh, fuck._

Dean used his now free hand to poke Cas in the face. Real mature. “Cas. Cas, wake up. _Cas_.” Blue eyes flashed open, looking directly at Dean’s. Cas squinted in the early morning light, seeming to try and figure out what was happening. Because Dean was fucking stupid, he mumbled out “Morning.”

“No,” Cas stated simply, rolling over and pushing Dean off of the bed. Dean landed on his ass. _Hard_.

“What the _fuck_?” Dean shouted, standing up with one hand massaging his butt. “Seriously, Cas? How old are you? _Three_?”

“And a half,” the mountain of blankets shot back. Dean threw his hands in the air and stomped out of the room, pulling his jeans up and tossing aside his over shirt, which was screwed beyond belief after being twisted all night by the constant shifting. Dean made it to the kitchen before he really figured out what he was doing. Really? Breakfast? Does that asshole deserve it? Dean sighed to himself, knowing he would make it regardless of Cas being a dick.

It seemed like the smell of bacon and eggs was enough to get a hung over Cas to face the music and enter the world of the living. Dean had to step away from the stove, bending over his knees and laughing _hysterically_. Cas’s hair was probably one of the greatest things he would ever see. How had that even _happened_? It was sticking up every which way- he had some weird ass unicorn horn going on and some sort of tuft area with one side a mangled mat of curls. Cas frowned. Of course he did.

“What?” he asked, glancing around the room.

“Your fucking _hair_ ,” Dean guffawed. Cas frowned and reached up, poking at the rat’s nest atop his head. He groaned.

“Dammit, not again.” Shuffling in his blanket, he managed to turn it into some kind of dress and get his arms free, smoothing it as best he could. It didn’t work out very well, but he least he was no longer a unicorn. Dean managed to stop his laughing, turning around and getting back to cooking breakfast. He heard a chair pull out and the sound of someone sitting down. Dean got out two plates, piling eggs and bacon onto each. After grabbing two forks, he maneuvered his way to the table, setting one down in front of the chair he would be at. He noticed that Cas had buried his head in his hands. Dean moved back across the room, grabbing a bottle of water and two Aspirin. He brought those back for Cas too, setting them down beside his breakfast.

“Eat up,” Dean said. “Nothing better for a hangover than greasy bacon and scrambled eggs. Mmm, smell that.” Dean grinned when Cas groaned, sitting up slowly and giving Dean the stink eye the whole time.

“You could have a profession in torture, Dean Winchester.” Dean shrugged.

“It’s an art.”

“Aspirin?” Cas asked, prodding the pills with his finger. Dean nodded, shoving a forkful of eggs into his mouth. Cas downed the pills and then chugged the water. “Remind me to never drink again.”

“Okay. Hey, Cas, never drink again.” Cas glowered at him, poking at his eggs and trying a small amount.

“Smartass,” he muttered under his breath. Dean just rolled his eyes and kept eating. Cas cleared his throat and Dean glanced up. “I realize that last night I was quite, um, ‘hammered’, as people say. I would like to apologize for my behaviour. I vaguely remember getting into bed with you, and I realize that this morning I also forced you out of the bed.” Dean shrugged.

“It’s no big deal, Cas. Really, you’re good. I’ve been that smashed myself a few times.”

“I also seem to enjoy cuddling whilst inebriated. At least, according to my brother Gabriel.” Dean chuckled at that.

“Y’think? Damn, Cas, you were more of an octopus last night than Sammy. Damn near crushed my ribs.” Cas blushed at that.

“I do promise to not consume that large of a quantity of alcohol in public again. I’m only glad that you were there. You may have ‘saved my ass’, Dean,” he confessed, using air quotes. God Dean needed to teach him how those worked. It was like the guy was from space or something. Castiel looked around the room, zeroing in on his clothes that he had left on the floor. “That explains the boxers at least.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck and gesturing Cas’s blanket. “You tried to ditch those too. It got _kinda_ awkward for a minute.” Cas smacked himself in the face, sinking lower in his chair.

“Dean, I apologize _profusely_ for my behaviour. It is very unlike myself.”

“It’s really fine, Cas. I get it. You had a shit day, you needed a break.” Cas studied him for a moment.

“You do understand, don’t you?” Dean shrugged, standing from the table and taking his dishes to the sink. He rinsed them off and turned back, resting against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. Cas stood as well, bringing his dish to the counter and gesturing to the leftover food.

“I’ll just toss it, not like eggs taste that great cold anyways,” Dean said, grabbing the plate and emptying its contents into the trash under the sink. Cas adjusted his blanket, looking around the apartment.

“You have a lovely home,” he commented. Dean snorted.

“It’s a bit of a dump. Sorry.” Cas shook his head.

“It looks very nice. A… what do you call it? A bachelor’s pad.”

“Yeah, I guess it kinda is.” Cas moved across the room and bent down to scoop up his clothes. “Bathroom’s right next to my room.” Cas nodded in thanks and scurried into the room, closing the door softly behind him. Dean flopped onto the couch, sinking into the soft cushions and massaging his temples with his fingertips. What the hell was happening? Cas was in his apartment, using his bathroom, just hanging out… and it made Dean nervous. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to deal with this. He had figured out that he _really_ like Cas. But being his friend had thus far been great too. Hell, they’re only run into each other three times, so maybe asking him out would be great- they weren’t exactly friends yet, so asking him out and him rejecting Dean (which he certainly would) wouldn’t sting too much. Then again, he had told Cas _things_. Things hardly anyone knew about him. The guy was just so… so easy to talk to. It was easy to get lost in conversation with Cas. Maybe that was why he was a doctor. People automatically trusted him.

Dean’s head snapped up when Cas emerged from the bathroom, tie thrown on haphazardly over his shirt. He was buckling his belt up and Dean was trying to calm his racing heart, which he was cursing in his mind.

“So… you want me to walk you back to your car?” Dean asked. Why would he ask that? Why wouldn’t he keep Cas there for as long as he could? What if this was the last time he saw Cas?

_Stop that_ , he chastised himself. These negative thoughts weren’t helping anyone.

“That would be fantastic, thank you. I cannot remember the walk here, and I am certain I would get lost,” Castiel admitted, throwing his jacket on and putting his trench coat over his arm.

“Let’s get going, then,” Dean said, standing and grabbing his own jacket from the hook in the hall. He had Baby’s keys in pocket of his pants still, so he shifted them from there to his jacket. Dean opened the door and gestured for Cas to head out ahead of him. The door locked and Cas ready, they made their way down the stairs.

It was a short walk, much easier now that Cas wasn’t shitfaced. They made light conversation. The whole time Dean tried to build up the nerve to ask Cas on a date (how hard could it really be?) but when they reached the Impala and Cas said his car was three down, Dean still hadn’t said a thing.

Dean unlocked Baby and had expected Cas to have left, but the man lingered by the Chevy, bouncing nervously on the balls of his feet.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked, taking his hand off of the door handle and turned towards Cas, leaning against the car. Cas fidgeted with his buttons, biting hid lip. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped, moving his hand to his hair and running it through it.

“I was just curious if you may be interested in a formal dinner with me,” Cas blurted out.

“What?” Dean asked, straining to understand Cas. “You’re talking too fast, man, I can’t hear you.”

“Dean,” Cas seethed, eyes focused on the sidewalk. “I… I am asking you on a date.” Dean blanched, mouth hanging open and hands stopping what they were doing.

“ _What_?” Dean asked, unsure if he had heard Cas right. “You… you wanna go on a date… with _me_?” Cas nodded numbly. “I… yes. Yeah, I’d love that, Cas.” Cas seemed to deflate.

“Does tomorrow evening work for you? I… I could get you from your apartment at six.”

“That would be awesome, Cas,” Dean said, hardly able to contain his excitement.

“I… I suppose I’ll see you then,” he said, turning on his heel and hurrying away down the sidewalk. Dean got into the Impala smiling like an idiot, starting her up and driving to his mother’s house. Why? He wasn’t entirely sure. He supposed he _might_ just have to tell her about his not so straightness now. Maybe. A little.

When he pulled into her driveway, she came out onto the porch to greet him, smiling at his arrival. As Dean came up the front steps, she pulled him into a tight hug that he returned, feeling happy for the first time in a while. Pulling back, Mary sniffed the air and frowned.

“You’ve been drinking,” she said, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at him.

“Just a couple ‘a beers with a friend. I kinda forgot to brush my teeth. Sorry,” Dean muttered. Mary moved behind him, shooing him in the house and up the stairs.

“You know where your toothbrush is! Don’t even think of coming back down here until those teeth are brushed!” she called after him. Dean grumbled on his way up, but did scrub until he couldn’t taste the alcohol on his breath anymore. He clomped back down the stairs and one look from Mary told him that if he didn’t want to get lectured, he better take those boots off before he stepped foot on her good carpet. Mary smiled at him as he came into the kitchen behind her.

“How are you, ma?” he asked, sitting down at the kitchen table and stretching out, popping his spine and groaning in content at the feeling.

“I’m doing okay. Your brother called last night, he’s settling down. Work is distracting him, thank God. I hope… I don’t know, I just hope he’ll be okay one day.” Dean nodded at that, coughing awkwardly into the silence.

“I have some news,” Dean said.

“Oh?” Mary replied, sitting down in the chair across from him and folding her hands together. Dean had long ago stopped staring at her burn marks. When he was seven, he asked what they were, and after she told him he never asked again. At this point in his life, they were a constant thing, but something that he seemed to just associate with _mom_. He knew she hated them, but hoped she was dealing with them better now.

“Yeah. I, uh, I kinda have a date,” Dean admitted. No going back now. Mary’s eyebrows raised.

“A date? So soon after Lisa?” Dean shrugged.

“Might as well get back on the dating horse, right?” Mary just sighed at his words.

“What’s her name?” she finally asked.

“Cas,” Dean replied instantly.

“Cass,” Mary pondered. “Like that Cassie girl you dated?”

“Kinda. But’s it’s not Cassie.”

“Well, what’s she like? Is she a… well, is she respectable?” Dean laughed.

“A doctor, mom. Great person.” Mary raised her eyebrows at the doctor comment.

“A doctor? Wow. That’s a change.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Cass… is that short for Cassandra? Or Cassidy, maybe?” Dean cleared his throat, looking away.

“Castiel,” he mumbled, barely audible.

“What? I didn’t catch that,” Mary said, leaning closer.

“Cas is short for Castiel,” Dean said, louder, shifting his eyes from his mother’s face to the floor and clearing his throat.

“Oh…” Mary said, leaning back in her chair with a thoughtful look on her face. She nodded. “A very nice name. Biblical, you know. Castiel was an angel. What hospital does he work at?” Dean was taken aback- Mary was continuing on like he hadn’t just revealed his greatest and most well-kept secret to her. Mary rolled her eyes. “Dean I’m not stupid. Do you really think that those nights you came home late as a teenager I couldn’t smell the cologne on you? The cologne I hadn’t bought? Really, if you were going to hide this you could’ve done it better. Now, where did you two meet?” Dean blanched for a moment, not really sure what to say.

“He, uh, he’s the guy who moved into our old house. I went over on… that day… and asked if he had any of our stuff somewhere. He told me there were boxes in the basement. I brought your stuff over already, remember? Those letters and the old knickknacks?” Mary nodded thoughtfully.

“He was the friend you were drinking with last night?”

“Yeah. He got super drunk so he crashed. The smell mighta stuck to my clothes. Sorry.” Mary arched an eyebrow.

“Interesting. I assume you would have had to get _pretty close_ to someone to have their smell rub off on you.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Dean moaned, moving his head into his hands. Mary raised her hands.

“You’re a grown man, Dean, and if you want to have sex-”

“ _MOM_ ,” Dean yelled, sitting up and throwing his head back against the chair.

“Just making sure you remember to be safe, Dean! I worry.”

“We didn’t… Jesus H. Christ. It’s not… like that,” Dean said, waving his hand in the air. “I… he passed out and then he was cold and… we just shared the bed. It’s nothing, mom, really.” Mary bit down on her lip and Dean could tell that she was trying not to laugh.

“That’s… slightly adorable, Dean.” Dean groaned and rolled his eyes.

“You sound just like Sammy,” he grumbled. Mary shrugged.

“He _is_ my son.” Dean sighed.

“But… you really don’t care? That Cas is a guy?” Mary shook her head.

“As long as he isn’t another trollop, I’m happy with your choices.”

“ _Mom_.”

“I know, I know. But it’s my _job_ to embarrass you, Dean. Just wait until you bring this boy home!” Dean shuddered at the thought. When Dean was a kid, he had this interesting habit of running around butt naked. And Mary, being the absolute _saint_ she was, took a fuckton of pictures of Dean’s ass and had photo albums just _full_ of pictures.

“So… anything you need done?” Mary shook her head.

“You’re free to go. I’ve got an art club meeting tonight I need to get ready for anyways. Shoo, outta my house!” Mary said playfully, ushering Dean from the table. Rolling his eyes, Dean kissed her cheek goodbye and hopped into the Impala, Mary watching him go from the porch, leaning against a post and raising her hand in farewell.

\---------------------------

Dean hadn’t been this nervous is forever. Scratch that, _ever_. He paced back and forth down the hall, wondering if he should go down to the front of the building or keep waiting in his apartment. Right when he had grabbed his jacket and was going to head down to the main level, there was a knock on the door. Dean froze with his hand on the door, a chorus of _shitshitshit_ ringing through his mind.

“You are Dean _motherfucking_ Winchester,” he whispered to himself. “You can _do this_.” Dean flung the door open and his hand was _so not shaking goddammit_.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, shifting from one foot to the other and twisting his hands together.

“Hey Cas,” he mumbled, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. Cas gestured down the hall.

“Should we…?” he questioned.

“Uh, yeah, that would be great,” Dean said with a smile. It may have looked like a grimace. But it was the best he could do because _fuck_ he was nervous. Cas nodded and the two began to shuffle down the hall, Dean jogging to catch up after he locked the door. Apparently Cas was just as nervous.

“If I stop walking I may not begin again,” he mumbled when Dean was again beside. Dean smiled, an actual smile this time, and held the door open for him, pressing his hands into the small of Cas’s back when he went through the door.

“Is this… okay?” Dean asked, frowning at Cas’s reaction to the slight touch. The other man cleared his throat.

“Yes, this is satisfactory.” Dean outright laughed at that comment and Cas cracked the tiniest of smiles. Dean moved his hand back to his side, closing the door behind him. They descended the stairs, ending up outside and getting into Cas’s small car.

“What _year_ is this?” Dean asked as he sat in the passenger seat.

“I believe it was made in the tear of 1992,” Cas informed him. Dean looked around.

“Well if it falls apart come to my work- we could fix ‘er up for you,” Dean told him. Cas started the car and they drove in silence. Eventually, Dean got tired of just staring out the window. Turning to Cas, he said, “So where’re we going?”

“My brother, Gabriel, owns a restaurant in the next town over. He insisted I bring you to meet him. I tried to deny him this, but he threatened a visit to my home, which is… not desired.” Dean nodded.

“Just so you know, I’m fucking garbage at meeting family.” Cas was stony faced as he looked out the window.

“I am feeling regret,” he muttered.

“We don’t have to go there, y’know. There’s this great restaurant, the Ro-” Dean stopped himself. No. They couldn’t go there. _He_ couldn’t go there. Not again. “Uh, Ricky’s, it’s a burger joint on the other side of town.” Cas seemed to ponder the idea. He sighed.

“It sounds delightful. Just be aware that Gabriel may make an appearance nonetheless.” Dean shrugged.

“I think it’ll be okay.”

“I will need directions, I am unfamiliar with the location.”

“’course,” Dean said, and after twenty minutes of ‘left, Cas. No, your _other_ left, Jesus.’ ‘Dean, that was my left.’ ‘What? Oh. I meant right.’ they miraculously ended up at Ricky’s. Cas parked near the back of the lot, as it seemed rather full on a Friday night, and they headed to the front, a good two inches in between their bodies at all times. They went into the front where an older woman took them to a booth near the back, one of the only ones left. Dean took one side and Cas the other, Dean ordering a coke for each of them. Cas frowned slightly.

“I have never had a coke before,” Cas explained at Dean’s perplexed expression. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Dude. How have you never had a _coke_ before?” Dean asked incredulously. Cas shrugged.

“Gabriel drank them by the gallon, and Michael always told me that they were terrible for your teeth. I had only had one cavity. I did not want to go through that again.” Dean laughed at that.

“Only one, huh?”

“One was enough,” Cas said darkly. Dean was covering his mouth at this point, snickering behind his fingers. His face was just so _serious_ all the time. It cracked Dean up. Soon enough, both cokes were in front of them, Cas giving it a suspicious look and poking it with his finger. Dean rolled his eyes.

“It’s not gonna bite you, Cas,” Dean chuckled. Cas glared at him before tentatively taking the drink in his hand, bringing it to his lips and taking a sip from the straw. And _godfuckingdam_ that should _not_ be so attractive, Jesus shit. Cas made a face, putting the drink down. “The verdict?” At this point, the waitress, a pretty young blond, was waiting for Cas’s reaction as well. Her nametag read ‘Chrissy’. Cas looked from Dean to Chrissy and back.

“It was not the most delightful thing I have ever had to drink,” Cas said slowly. Dean rolled his eyes.

“It’s fine if you don’t like it, Cas,” Dean said with a smile. Cas sighed, relieved.

“Oh, good. It is disgusting.” Dean laughed at that, and asked Chrissy if she would bring him a milkshake. Cas raised an eyebrow at that. Dean shrugged.

“This place is famous for it’s milkshakes, Cas.”

“That is not very healthy, Dean,” Cas mumbled. Dean shrugged.

“Next time you can order stuff. We’ll go to a place you pick, even if it’s your brother’s place.” Cas was quiet for a moment.

“Next time?” he asked, shifting his hands over the table.

“I mean, if you want,” Dean mumbled, staring down at the table and counting the pieces of salt. He flicked his eyes back up to Cas occasionally.

“I think I would enjoy that very much.” Dean outright _blushed_. He started cursing at himself under his breath, but discontinued when he saw that Cas also had red cheeks. A grin came to his face at that, and he laughed at the two of them, both such idiots. Chrissy came back with a milkshake and Dean ordered them two burgers and fries. Cas, again, frowned at that, but Dean waved his hand at him.

“Gotta have the whole experience, Cas, it’s a freakin’ burger joint. Next time we can have froofroo salad or some shit,” Dean said. Cas sighed and rolled his eyes, but Dean saw a tiny smile on his face. Cas moved forwards slowly, grabbing the milkshake and bringing the straw to his lips. His eyes widened and began to drink it faster. Dean cleared his throat, looking around the restaurant, anywhere but Cas right now. Dear God he was a sick fuck.

“Dean,” he said seriously, putting the milkshake down. “This is delicious.” Dean laughed outright at that comment.

“What’d I tell you? Just admit it- it’s your best first date ever.” Cas looked away, clearing his throat. Dean frowned. “What?”

“It is… my first, uh, first date. Ever.”

“No shit?”

“No.”

“Damn. Well I better make it worthwhile, then,” Dean said, leaning back in the booth, trying to catch Cas’s eye as he avoided Dean’s face like the plague. “Cas.” Cas finally looked back at him. “It’s okay, man. Everyone’s gotta have one sometime, right?” Cas smiled shyly.

“I do suppose so.”

“I’m shocked some nurse hasn’t take you out yet. Figured you’d be that one hot doctor and everyone’d want a piece of that ass,” Dean commented, drinking from his own coke. Cas chuckled.

“There is a nurse. Her name is Meg and she seems quite enamored with me. It is a shame that I’m not interested.”

“Her loss is my gain,” Dean replied. Before Cas could retort, there were burgers being set down before them. Dean took a big bite of his, groaning as he put it back down. Cas took a bite from his and had the same reaction as he did with the milkshake.

“Dean this is amazing,” he mumbled around a mouthful of burger. Dean grinned at that.

“Stick with me, kid. I’ll show you the good stuff.” They ate the rest of their food in silence, Cas enjoying his down to the last morsel. Right when Dean was eating his last fry, there was a strange man shoving him against the window of the booth, taking up the rest. “The fuck?” Dean yelled.

“Is that any way to speak to the guy you need to win over?” the stranger asked. Dean furrowed his brows, opening his mouth to yell at him again when he saw Cas. Cas was pressing his fingers to his temple and shaking his head.

“Gabriel?” Dean asked.

“The one and only,” Gabriel replied, waggling his eyebrows. He reached forwards and took Dean’s last fry right from his fingers, popping it into his mouth.

“Gabriel, I did not ask for you to join us,” Cas growled. And fuck if that wasn’t all manners of hot. Gabriel shook his hand at his brother.

“Just be grateful I didn’t call Mikey to join, Cassie,” Gabriel said, grinning widely at Cas’s facial expression.

“You wouldn’t dare. Michael is much too busy for these petty things, Gabriel.”

“Too busy to make sure his baby brother’s first love isn’t a creeper? I think not!” Gabriel exclaimed. Cas groaned. Dean sat back with crossed arms, trying to hide his smile at the exchange.

“Gabriel I am thirty years old, I don’t need you to babysit me.”

“Of course you do! So, Deano, what’s the profession? Make big bucks?” Gabriel asked, turning to Dean.

“Uh. I work at Singer’s Auto. I fix cars,” Dean stammered out. Gabriel opened his mouth, closed it, and turned back to Cas.

“Really, Cas? A mechanic? _Really_?”

“Gabriel,” Cas breathed in a menacing tone, “I really think you should leave.”

Gabriel, in fact, didn’t leave. He stayed for so long that Dean ordered a slice of pie and nearly stabbed Gabriel when he tried to take a piece, to which Gabriel responded “Any man who loves his pie that much is a keeper. You did good, Cassie.” Cas blushed at that, which made Dean grin.

“If I use the bathroom, will you please be civil?” Cas asked, standing from his side of the booth. Gabriel made a shocked face.

“You doubt my people skills, Cassie?” Cas just rolled his eyes and left, glancing back worriedly. As soon as Cas was gone, the smile left Gabriel’s face. “Okay, hot stuff, listen up; there’s a reason Cas has never dated or done the do.”

“Of for fuck’s sake-” Dean started, cringing away from Gabriel.

“Don’t you fuck’s sake me. Listen here. My little brother is everything to me, understand? And there’s a reason he hasn’t dated before. I can’t tell you it, he needs to in his own time. But just know that if you _ever_ hurt him, I will cut-”

“Gabriel!” Cas snapped, returning to the table. “Let Dean out, we’re going,” Cas commanded. Gabriel sighed, but did as his younger sibling said.

“Good to meet you, Deano. Think on what I said.” And with that, the strange man that smelled like candy and too much cologne left the building. Cas tried to start apologizing, but Dean just held up his hand and shook his head. They split the bill and were back in Cas’s car, sitting in the back lot in silence.

“Now what?” Cas asked, turning to Dean.

“Uh… I dunno. Maybe go to the park and throw rocks in the pond and accidentally on purpose hit a teenage couple making out?” Cas gave him a very strange look, which he knew he deserved after that.

“That seems… odd.”

“Well we could go back to my place and watch a movie.” Cas pondered that for a moment.

“What kind of movie?”

“I dunno. Star Wars, maybe?”

“Gabriel is a fan, but I’ve never seen it. What’s it about?” And that was how Dean launched into the longest Star Wars explanation he had ever done. Cas seemed sufficiently confused by the time that they reached Dean’s apartment, and as they sat down and Dean put in the VHS, Cas finally spoke. “Dean, why are we beginning at episode four if there are three prior?”

“Oh Cas. Cas, Cas, Cas. The first three are absolute garbage. I mean, we’ll watch those too, but compared to the originals- well, really, there is no comparison.” A New Hope began, and as Dean settled into the couch, Cas beside him, he found himself watching Cas’s reaction more than the movie. And soon, he was watching Cas’s hands. And lips. And eyes. And- dammit! He tried to focus back on the movie, but Han Solo wasn’t doing it for him when he was on a _date_ with an _actual guy_ sitting right next to him.

“Dean, are you watching?” Cas whispered, glancing back over to him. Dean froze.

“Uh. Yeah. Just…” He raised his hand to the back his neck, letting the sentence fall as he focused on the screen again. He kept giving Cas small glances when he wasn’t paying attention. There was twenty minutes left in the movie. It was getting late. It was his last chance before his courage drained from him.

Dean leaned across the couch and pressed his lips to Cas’s. Startled, Cas immediately moved away and Dean nearly threw himself back too, muttering a chorus of _fuck_ under his breath.

“Dean,” Cas mumbled, and _Jesus fuck_ that voice was illegal. “Dean, look at me.” Dean hesitantly looked back. Cas stretched his hand forwards, placing it on Dean’s face, and he _did not_ lean into the touch. He didn’t. Cas moved his face forwards, gently moving Dean’s lips back onto his own.

“Damn, Cas,” Dean breathed as they separated, Cas’s eyes wide.

“That was… satisfactory?” Cas asked. Dean huffed a laugh.

“That it was. Have you…” Dean moved his hands around, but Cas didn’t catch the hint. “You’ve never kissed anyone?” Cas’s eyes grew dark.

“I have,” he spat out. The words sent a shiver down Dean’s spine.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Dean,” Cas said, turning his body away from the television, “I must tell you something. You should know this before you choose to further this to a… second date.” Dean frowned.

“Okay. Shoot.” Cas heaved a loud sigh.

“I… have never gone on a date because I chose not to. I have never had intercourse-” Dean choked on his spit at this point and began coughing loudly, but waved his hand at Cas to signal that he fine, for him to continue. “-because I have chosen not to. I… wish to never have intercourse.” The room was silent other than the sounds from the movie, long forgotten, as Dean processed the words.

“You… don’t want sex?” he asked, brows furrowed. Even in the dim lighting he could see Cas’s cheeks go red.

“I suppose I should leave. I understand that you won’t be wanting a second date.” Cas was up and heading to the door before Dean had really heard what he said. Dean stood after a second of processing, tripping over a pillow and grabbing Cas’s arm.

“Cas, stop!” Cas turned back to him, eyes on the floor, jaw clenched. “Cas. It’s okay. I mean- we’ve been on one date. Like… so what, right? We don’t even know if we’re into each other-” Cas flinched at that, “or anything, okay? I… I’d love a second date. And a third. And a fourth. Sex… it isn’t everything, man.” Cas’s eyes flashed up to Dean.

“Are you sure, Dean? I understand if you wish to end this before it begins. I really do.” Dean shook his head.

“I’m a stubborn bastard, Cas. And I like hanging out with you.” Cas smiled at that. “So. Can you, uh, just tell me- how much are you okay with? Touching wise, I mean.”

“Oh. I am comfortable with kissing as far as I know.” Dean nodded.

“So we’re figuring it out as we go. Got it.” Cas looked down at his watch and frowned.

“I really do need to go, Dean, I have a shift tomorrow.”

“Yeah, of course. Maybe we can watch The Emperor Strikes Back the next time.” Cas smiled at him.

“I believe I would greatly enjoy that, Dean.” Dean grinned, leaning forwards and placing a soft kiss on Cas’s cheek. Cas stammered out a goodbye, grabbing his jacket and coat, leaving with a blush still fierce in his cheeks.

Dean immediately turned and walked to the kitchen, calling Sam before he truly knew what he was doing.

“Hello?” came a tired voice.

“Sammy?”

“What?”

“It’s Dean.”

“Oh. Hey. Sorry, man, I’m just… you know.” Dean could practically see his brother waving his hand, sitting down in a chair and running that same hand down his face. Dean frowned.

“You can head to bed if I’m holding you up, Sam.”

“No! No, I… I need a distraction.” Dean’s heart fell at that.

“Sam…”

“I’m fine, Dean. Just…” he sighed. “Tell me about your day. How was work?”

“Good, it was good. Gonna get Baby a tire change next time I get a chance. She could use it, they’re looking a little gross.”

“That’s nice.”

“Sam…”

“Yeah, Dean?”

“I had a date tonight.”

“Oh?” _Now he’s leaning forwards on that chair. He should be waving Jess away playfully at this point, she’d probably be trying to listen. But now she can’t. And now Sam just has an empty doorframe_ , Dean thought to himself.

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t you just break up with Lisa?”

“A couple a weeks ago, yeah.”

“Well… how was the date?”

“It was fantastic. We had dinner at Ricky’s, remember that place? We played the Batman theme on their jukebox like twenty times when we were kids.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“And then we came back and watched A New Hope.” Sam groaned.

“Really, Dean? You forced her to watch _that_? Girls like romantic cheesy shit, man.” Dean worried his lips between his teeth. “Dean? You still there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here. Sam, I got something to tell you.”

“Okay… it sounds bad, is it bad?”

“No, it’s fine, just something you should know.”

“Alright. Shoot.”

“My date’s name was Cas. And not Cas with two s’s. With one. ‘cause it’s short for Castiel.”

“Castiel? Wasn’t that an angel? Weird name for a chick.”

“That’s because he’s a dude.” Silence on the other end.

“Fuck _finally_. Mom and I have been waiting for this for _years_.”

“ _Really_?” Dean asked. “This is what I get? Sitting on this for thirteen years and this is what happens?” Sam chuckled.

“I figured you’d be happy we didn’t disown you.”

“I am.”

“Seriously, Dean, it’s fine. He sounds great if he’d watch Star Wars with you.”

“He’d actually never seen it.”

“No shit? Wait. Wait a second. Holy _shit_. You’re dating Cas from our old house! Holy shit, Dean!”

“Calm down, Sam, Jesus. _He_ asked _me_ out.” Dean could, again, practically see Sam shaking his head.

“Whatever, man. He’s super nice. And a doctor. Nice one.”

“Right? But…”

“But?”

“He doesn’t want… sexual… stuff.”

“So?” Sam asked.

“Like. Ever.” Sam sighed.

“It’s called asexual, Dean.”

“It’s a thing?”

“It’s a huge thing. Like 1% of the population is asexual.”

“Seriously? Damn.”

“Are you cool with that?”

“I dunno, Sam. I like the guy…. But it’s only been one date, right?”

“Yeah, but Dean, if you’re gonna go out with this guy and then just crush him later that would be pretty awful.” Dean sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“I know, man. I just haven’t processed it yet.”

“No sex. Ever. Can you deal with that?” Dean was quiet. “You’re a little bit of a whore, Dean.”

“Says you of all people!”

“Hey! I’ve only slept with Ruby and Je-” Sam stopped, a heavy silence filling in the crackling static. “Anyways. Just think on that, okay?”

“He’s pretty cool, Sam.”

“I know. I met him first, remember?”

“Yeah, and he does too. He… he, uh, he thought Jess was pretty great.”

“She was,” Sam whispered.

“Sammy?”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to stop drinking.”

“Dean, I’m not-”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. Stay sober, Sam. If you need to get it out, call me, call mom, go into the woods and scream or some shit. Just… please, Sammy, don’t drink your life away. Trust me.” Sam sighed again.

“Okay, Dean. Okay.”

“Night, Sam.”

“Night, Dean.” Dean hung up the phone, leaning back on the kitchen counter and releasing a loud breath, slapping his hands against his thighs. Dean headed back to his room, collapsing on top of his sheets in his clothes. Some things never changed.

\---------------------------

Dean and Cas went on a second date. And a third. And a fourth. On the night of their fifth date, Mary called Dean and told him there was a roast on her table and two extra plates and Dean best bring his doctor over for dinner. When Dean relayed the information to Cas, he seemed ecstatic. They drove in the Impala, Cas chattering away in the passenger seat about how he successfully diagnosed a child with leukemia and that there was a marrow match right away for her. He explained how rare that was and how much it would help the girl in the long run.

As they pulled into Mary’s driveway, she came onto the porch and waved at them, an apron wrapped around her middle and an oven mitt on one hand. She hurried down the steps, moving to embrace Dean and kiss him on the cheek before hugging Cas fiercely. Dean had never been more grateful for anything than when Cas didn’t focus on his mother’s scars or mention them. His eyes never strayed from hers as she let him fix his hair, adjust his coat, pull him inside with Dean following, hands in his pockets and big grin on his face.

Mary brought Cas into the kitchen with her after getting him to take his shoes off, yelling at Dean to check on the pie was Mary told Cas to start cutting the roast, she herself untying her apron and moving the potatoes off the stove. Dean opened the oven to be greeted by the heavenly smell of his mother’s apple pie. Nothing quite beat apple in his books. Cas was staring intently at the roast, cutting it in neat lines as if his life depended on it.

“Doing great, Cas,” Dean murmured, gently pressing his hand against the other man’s back as he walked past to shoo his mother away from the potatoes, taking over in mashing them. Mary smiled and patted his cheek as she went to sit at the table, a content grin on her face.

“Aren’t you two just adorable?” Mary crooned, Dean rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, ma, just the cutest,” he huffed.

“She’s right, Dean, you are undeniably ‘cute’,” Cas said, doing the finger quotes again. Mary laughed aloud at that and Cas smiled along with her, turning back to continue cutting.

“Shaddup, Cas,” Dean muttered, trying to hide his smile as he continued with his work. Soon enough, Dean put the potatoes into a bowl and set them down on the table. No one in the Winchester family said grace, and evidently Cas’s family was the same. They ate in silence for a long while, Mary smiling contentedly to herself, sneaking glances between Dean and Cas as they glanced at each other when they thought she wasn’t looking.

“So,” she said, moving her fork around in the potatoes, “it’s been over a month. How are things?” Cas shot Dean a look and he shrugged.

“Uh, good, I think,” he said, looking back at Cas.

“Yes. Good. I concur with that.” Mary rolled her eyes.

“You two are just adorable.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Dean whined, “we _aren’t_ adorable.”

“We are, Dean,” Cas reiterated. Dean just rolled his eyes.

“Watch the sass, mister,” Mary told him.

“Learned it from the best,” he said with a wink.

“And taught it to your brother, unfortunately,” Mary sighed. Cas just observed from afar, soaking up the family environment he had never had. Of course Michael kept him and his siblings fed and sheltered, but if it wasn’t for Gabriel or Anna he wouldn’t be who he was. They were no substitute for true parents, though. “So, Castiel. When will we be able to meet your parents?” Dean nearly choked on a piece of the roast, trying to signal for his mother to just _shut up_. Cas cleared his throat.

“Unfortunately never. My father passed before I was born and my mother during my birth.” The room grew deadly quiet and Dean wanted to smack himself. She should’ve known to tell his mother about Cas. God, he was so fucking _stupid_. But, Mary being Mary, was having none of this awkward silence. She stood, scraping her chair across the tile, and walked over to Cas, dragging him out of his seat and wrapping him in a tight hug. Startled, Cas hugged her back gently. Dean watched from his chair, and dammit he was _not_ emotional. Not one bit.

“If you ever need someone, we’re here, Cas,” she whispered. Mary let go, rubbing her hand down his arm and giving him a knowing look before settling back into her seat.

“I was raised by an elder sibling,” Cas told her. “He was always kind and loving.” Mary nodded.

“Do you have many siblings?”

“There are six of us, as well as my cousin, Balthazar.” Mary raised her eyebrows.

“And I thought two boys was bad,” she laughed. Cas chuckled with her.

“Yes, we were always quite a handful. I believe Michael nearly killed my brother, Gabriel, when he got arrested for robbing a candy store. Gabriel was always the worst of us, yet somehow the best.”

“A candy store? Why?” Dean asked, taking a sip from his glass of water.

“Gabriel has always loved sweets. He actually blamed the crime on me- he was seventeen and I was four. Michael, of course, didn’t believe him. Gabe was always the dumbest in the family, even if the most sincere.” Mary was smiling fondly as Cas spoke and Dean was too- he couldn’t help it, he hadn’t heard very many of Cas’s stories.

“What do your siblings do now?” Mary asked. Unlike Dean, she could cross boundaries- she didn’t have to go on dates with him and have it be all awkward.

“Well, Michael is now a judge. He was a lawyer for some time. Lucifer… I am unsure. He left us long ago, and I have not heard from him in some time. Gabriel owns his own restaurant, as Dean knows. Balthazar owns a dance club of sorts. Anael is an artist, and Hael… I am unsure. She lost her way many years ago.”

“Your brother’s name is Lucifer?” Mary asked.

“Yes. We are all named after angels, including Balthazar, though he was an only child.”

“That’s very interesting. Dean and Sam are named after my parents, you know.”

“Oh?” Cas asked, looking over to Dean, who shrugged.

“Never came up,” he muttered.

“My mother and father, Deanna and Samuel, they passed many years ago.”

“I am sorry to hear.”

“This is getting way too sad,” Dean grumbled. Cas breathed a laugh.

“I agree. Perhaps a cheerier topic?”

“Well all right, then. Castiel, what are your intentions with my son?” Dean coughed, choking on his water as he took a sip. Mary just rolled her eyes. Cas’s brow furrowed.

“I apologize, but I am unsure how to answer that question.”

“What are your plans with this relationship?” Mary asked simply. “Do you see this being long term? Would you ever take advantage of De-”

“Never,” Cas said sharply, eyes darkening. Dean knew there was more there. God, he knew. But he couldn’t ask. Not yet. Mary crossed her arms over her chest.

“You seem quite adamant about that,” she said easily.

“ _Mom_ ,” Dean hissed, trying to get her to _just stop_.

“I believe your son may not have informed you- I do not desire sexual acts with him.” Dean smacked himself in the face. Mary’s mouth opened and she looked from Cas to Dean and back.

“So… you’re not dating, then?”

“We are,” Cas told her before Dean could get a word out. “But as long as Dean agrees to be romantically involved with me, there will be no sexual intercourse between the two of us.”

“Okay!” Dean said loudly, clapping his hands. “Anyone for pie?” Mary raised her hand in his direction, Dean’s mouth falling closed. She turned back to Cas.

“You care for my son?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t want sex?”

“No.”

“I… don’t understand.”

“The term is asexual. I am repulsed by sex.” Mary sat back in her chair, staring at Cas with her ‘thinking look’ on her face.

“Then why date Dean? Why date anyone?”

“Just because one does not desire sex does not mean that one does not desire intimacy with another human. Dean is the first man I have dated in my thirty years of life.”

“So you’re asking Dean to give up sex?”

“I am not asking anything of Dean. I informed him of my sexuality on our first date. This is _Dean’s_ choice.” At this point, Dean had sunk so low in his chair you could only see his hair. His face was beet red and he _so did not fucking want this conversation_.

“I see. Well, you seem like a great guy, Cas. Welcome to the family,” Mary said warmly, grinning at him and patting him on the hand. She stood, going to retrieve the pie from the counter.

“What?” Cas asked. Mary shrugged.

“Your intentions are true and you didn’t lie to me once. What happens between you and Dean in private is between you and Dean. So… welcome.” Dean and Cas alike looked confused. Mary laughed to herself and placed pie before them both. “It’s not like I was going to have biological grandkids between you two anyways.”

“This… you are a very kind woman, Mary Winchester.” She waved her hand at him.

“I’m just a decent human being, Castiel. Don’t mistake that for kindness. Acceptance isn’t a kindness, it just _is_.” Dean was taken aback by her words. How he had never told her about his own sexual preferences before a few weeks ago, he had no idea. Cas gave her a strange, possibly confused smile. Mary took his hand in her own and squeezed it. “Now- who wants pie?”

And that was that.

The three of them ate their dessert, and after more idle chatter, Dean and Cas left. As they got in the car, Mary on the porch waving, Cas had the biggest smile on his face. It made Dean grin back at him as they pulled out of the driveway, waving to Mary until she was out of sight. Dean turned on the music to a classic rock station and they drove in a companionable silence. As they pulled up to Cas’s house, neither of them made a move to leave.

“So,” Dean started, “how was that? You wanna die yet or…?”

“It was pleasant,” Cas stated simply. Dean nodded.

“It was. So you’re not gonna leave me or anything?”

“What? No, of course not, Dean,” Cas told him, raising his eyebrows. Dean let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding.

“Good. That’s, uh, awesome. Yeah.” Dean tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, smiling down at his feet.

“Would… would you like to come in?” Cas asked, gesturing to the house. Dean looked up, gaze lingering on the house before gliding over to Cas.

“That would… I’d love to, Cas,” Dean told him. They both got out of the car, Dean moving over to Cas’s side. He reached his arm out to wrap around Cas, but stopped, not sure if that was too far or something. Dean put his hand back to his side. Cas saw and, grinning, put his own arm around Dean’s waist, who blushed furiously, looking anywhere but Cas. They hadn’t even kissed since that first date. Jesus, Dean would usually have fucked and moved on at this point, but Cas… Cas was something else. Cas was different. Dean was fucking _nervous_ around Castiel, something he hadn’t been with a partner since he was a fifteen year old virgin. They walked across the street and into Cas’s house, both of them hanging up their jackets and removing their shoes.

“We could, uh, watch a movie,” Cas suggested, gesturing to his television.

“Sure. What’ve you got?” Dean asked. Cas looked down at the floor.

“I have medical documentaries.”

“And?”

“I believe something on the melting of polar icebergs. It is in the basement, though, I could retrieve it if you wish.”

“No, that’s, uh, that’s fine. Maybe we could just… sit?” Dean asked, gesturing to the couch. Cas nodded, sitting down on the couch. Dean sat beside him, both of them rigid, neither speaking. Dean coughed, looking down at his feet. “Fuck me. Cas, can I kiss you or what?” Cas blinked up at him, startled.

“Yes,” he replied instantly. And that was it. Dean finally had his mouth against Cas’s again after waiting a month for it. He tasted like breath mints and pie and _Jesus fuck_ that was a delicious combination. Dean raised his hand, placing it against Cas’s face and leaning closer to him, his other hand placed gently against Cas’s arm. The only sounds in the room were soft breaths and beating of their hearts. Cas finally moved from his stony composure, wrapping his arms around Dean’s torso and pushing him back into the couch, pressing himself close to Dean and licking into his mouth.

“Damn, Cas,” Dean breathed, eyes wide as he moved them from Cas’s mouth to his eyes, a grin sliding over his face as he reached up and pressed their mouths back together.

“Dean,” Cas breathed, “Dean Dean Dean.”

“I’m right here,” Dean whispered back. Cas opened his eyes again, but they look afraid. He sat back, moving his hands up to gesture something, but letting them drop before he moved them once more and ran them through his hair.

“I can’t, Dean,” he murmured.

“Can’t what?” Dean asked, moving closer across the couch.

“I can’t give you what you want.”

“And how do you know what I want?” Dean questioned, crossing his arms over his chest. Cad wouldn’t look at him.

“Because no one wants… _this_ ,” he said, gesturing to himself and looking up to meet Dean’s eyes. “I can’t… I don’t want what everyone else wants, Dean, and I can’t give you what you want. I can’t.”

“You think I’m dating you for sex?” Cas wouldn’t look at him. Dean raised his head to the ceiling before focusing back on Cas. “Sex is something I _do_ , Cas. Sex… it’s great. It’s fanfuckingtastic, it really is. But… but it’s… I want _someone_ not sex. Do you… am I making any sense? I can give it up for the right person. Cas… _you’re_ the right person.” Cas shook his head.

“How can you know that? After five dates, how can you _possibly_ know that?” Dean frowned.

“Because I do,” he stated. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll change my mind. But I don’t think I will. Because right now, Cas, _right now_ , I don’t want to fuck you. I don’t. I want to _be_ with you, and that’s never happened before. You’re different for me.”

“I… no one has thought that of me before.” Dean took his hand and shrugged.

“You just hadn’t met the right guy yet, Cas.” Smiling, Cas finally looked up.

“I suppose not.”

\---------------------------

When Thanksgiving came around in November, Dean received one of the best presents he had ever gotten- Bobby flew Sam out from California for the holiday. Unfortunately, it had been a surprise for Mary, too, and Dean had convinced his mother to accept an invitation from a friend in Colorado to join her Thanksgiving celebration. Mary hadn’t had a chance to visit her in two years and she was grinning all the way to the airport. When Sam showed up on Bobby’s doorstep just after Dean finished his shift, Dean had felt at first joy at seeing his brother and then guilt that his mother wasn’t there.

Sam came in and immediately made himself at home. He dropped his stuff in Bobby’s front hall and made his way to the fridge, grabbing a beer and propping his feet up on the table.

They were all silent, sitting in the kitchen and reminiscing on the past four months since they had last seen Sam. Wow. Had it really been four months since he had started dating Cas? It seemed like a lifetime, not a fraction of a year. It was then that Bobby stood to get the phone, grumbling something about ingrates and how much he wished he wasn’t friends with a bunch of ‘backwood asshats’.

Just moments after Bobby left, Dean’s cell rang. When he read ‘Cas’ on the call display, he couldn’t help it when a grin lit up his face.

“Hey handsome, we were just talking about you,” Dean commented. He heard Cas chuckle into the other end.

“Oh really? I suppose Sam got there safely, then.”

“Wait… you knew Sam was coming? And you didn’t tell me?” Dean asked, eyebrows raised.

“I had to keep it a surprise, Dean, Bobby swore me to secrecy.”

“Fine, fine, I won’t kick your ass over this,” Dean joked. He could almost hear Cas rolling his eyes.

“As if you could take me. Now, be useful. I just turned onto Sten Road and I seem to be lost on my way to Bobby’s…”

“Oh, Sten’s like three minutes away, just keep on it and turn right.” Dean frowned at Sam, making a face as his brother puckered his lips and made kissy faces.

“Oh, good, I-” Cas gasped and Dean heard the screeching of tires before a yell, the breaking of glass, a loud crash and the crackle of static.

“Cas!?” Dean yelled, standing from his chair. “Cas? Cas, can you hear me? Cas, what happened, are you okay!?” There was a click before the beeping to signal the end of the call began. Dean lowered the phone, heart pounding, chest heaving.

“What!?” Sam demanded. “What happened!?”

 

** Part Two: Twists And Turns **

 

Dean was in the Impala with Sam behind him in record time, tearing down the road until they reached Sten and only then did Dean slow down. He had yelled at Bobby to call the hospital, but he would be faster in reaching Cas.

“Do you see him!? Do you see him!?” Dean yelled at Sam.

“I’m looking, I’m looking!” Sam yelled back.

“Look harder!”

“I’m trying, Dean!”

“There!” Dean yelled, nodding his head to the tree.

“Dean, look out!” Sam screamed, grabbing the Impala’s wheel and wrenching it to the side. They barely missed hitting Castiel, collapsed on the road, arm up to cover his face against the headlights. Dean was out of the Impala before it really even stopped, sprinting over to Cas, dropping beside him with his hands out, not sure what he could even do.

“Cas? Cas?” Dean’s voice broke on the last word. Cas was breathing hard, a smile on his face as he fell back on the pavement, hands grasping at nothing and eyes wide. What may have been a laugh left his lips. “Cas, can you move? What hurts? Oh, Jesus, Sammy, his head, his stomach- give me your jacket or something, oh God.”

“Dean,” Cas breathed. “You’re here.”

“Yeah, Cas,” Dean croaked. “’m right here. I’ll always be right here.”

“Dean-” Cas’s eyes rolled back, closing as his head fell too. Dean hurriedly grabbed him into his arms before it hit the ground.

“Sammy! Sammy, help me!” Sam was there in a flash, taking his jacket and pressing it against the Cas. They quickly lifted him into the back of the Impala. Cas came to briefly, eyes wide as he gasped and looked around.

“Help me,” he whispered. “Please, help me.”

“We’ve got you. I promise,” Dean said. He looked back at Sam. “Sammy, you drive, I’ll stay back here.” Sam nodded, closing the door after Dean wedged himself into the foot wells in the back of the Impala, Cas on the seat, his blood slicked hand grasping onto Dean’s as Sam started the car and began to drive.

The entire ride to the hospital, Dean whispered “You’ll be okay. I promise you that, Cas. I promise.” Cas continued to fall in and out of consciousness the entire ride. When they finally reached the hospital, there was a gurney and a team of doctors and nurses waiting for them. Dean wrenched himself out of the back and was immediately led away by a nurse with curly dark hair.

“No, no, I have to make sure he’s okay, please, please let me see him,” Dean begged, Sam holding him back from Cas as the nurse stood before them.

“I’m sorry,” she drawled, “but Dr. Novak is very badly injured, and we have to let the doctors work.” Dean nodded, Sam letting go of his shoulders. The second he was free, Dean made a run for the door, bursting in and running down the hall as he saw the gurney turn with the doctors. Dean turned the corner and stopped dead in his tracks.

“Dean!” Sam yelled, appearing beside him. Sam stopped too, both of them just staring as the doctors and nurses flowed around them, running to Cas’s side as they attached needles and heart monitors and fuck knows what else to him. Dean and Sam stood, deadly silent, as a nurse pulled a sheet across the room, the last thing Dean seeing was Cas’s dark hair mixed with the white of the bandages wrapped around his head. They were both frozen to the spot until Dean jumped, a hand touching his shoulder.

“Boys,” the nurse said, looking between the two of them, “come take a seat, wait for an update.” They shuffled out of what must have been the ICU, sitting down in plastic chairs, Dean putting his head against his lap immediately. “My name’s Meg, if you need anything, don’t ask.”

“Real nice,” Dean muttered as she walked away.

“Dean,” Sam whispered, placing his hand on Dean’s arm. “Hey, man, how are you doing?”

“Fuck knows,” Dean mumbled, burying his face back into his legs.

“Dean…”

“Don’t say it, Sammy. Don’t you dare say it.”

“I just want you to prepare-”

“Shut up, Sam!” Dean yelled, standing from his chair and walking down the hall, running his hands through his hair and clenching his eyes against tears. Dean stood at the end of the hall, one hand on his temple as he tried to pull himself together. He heard footsteps as Sam came towards him.

“Dean,” he whispered, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Will you be okay?”

“Not right now,” Dean admitted. “But as soon as he’s fine-” Dean stopped, turning his head away as he brought his fist to his mouth, looking away from his brother and hoping he would just leave him to wallow for a few minutes, to pull himself together and just force his way through this.

“Come on,” Sam said gently, touching the small of Dean’s back, “let’s go sit down.” It wasn’t five minutes later that there was a doctor in front of them.

“Thank God!” Dean exclaimed, jumping up from his seat as the doctor pulled off a pair of gloves and stopped before them.

“You’re the gentlemen who brought Dr. Novak in?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, I’m Dean, this is my brother, Sam.” The doctor raised his eyebrows.

“ _The_ Dean? Dr. Novak has spoken quite highly of you.”

“Of course he has,” Dean muttered.

“My name is Chuck Shurley, I’ll be looking after Dr. Novak.” Dean nodded, trying to get him to continue about how Cas was. Chuck sighed, raking a hand through his hair and looking back into the ICU. “Dr. Novak’s injuries are, unfortunately, quite severe. He needs surgery, but we can’t give it to him, he won’t survive.” Dean could feel his heart clenching- this isn’t what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that Cas was just sleeping, he would be awake soon, Dean could take him home, take care of him. “He has a severe wound on his abdomen and the injury on his head is quite damageable. Dr. Novak’s stats are low-”

“Why are you talking to me like he’s gonna die?” Dean suddenly interrupted, voice rising.

“Dean-” Sam started.

“I do my job. Do your job. _Save him_ ,” he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Chuck, who looked taken aback. Dean couldn’t be there. Not right now. He turned, leaving the small waiting area and heading out the hospital doors, shoving them open and hurrying past anyone wandering around. He did a perimeter walk of the outside, found his Baby were he left her. Dean hopped in, not daring to look at the blood stains on the back seat. He drove her to a corner of the small lot, locking all of her doors before he got up to head back in, his head finally cleared.

When he reentered, Meg had a death grip on Sam’s arm. Sam was yelling at her, pointing from the door to the ICU. Dean sprinted past them, the only sound he could hear the flat line of a heart monitor. He rushed past all the doctors, forcing his way into Cas’s room. He had an oxygen mask over his face as the doctors began chest compressions, that _fucking monitor_ just ringing out, not stopping.

“CAS! CAS! CAS!” Dean screamed, managing to get to his bedside and take his hand in his own before he felt strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him out. It seemed like the world was in slow motion. Cas’s eyes were closed, his body limp, blood slowly leaking from the wound on his stomach. Dean couldn’t look away. The doctors were yelling out words, Dean knew that, but all he could hear was that continuous BEEEEEEEEEEEEP. All he could see was Cas. He knew he was fighting. He knew his elbow had connected with something solid. He could feel the words in his mouth as he shouted them, loud and dangerous, but he couldn’t hear himself.

Just that fucking beep.

When Dean was thrown into the ICU, the curtain closed around Cas’s room, everything came back into focus.

“CAS! HELP HIM, SAVE HIM, HE CAN’T BE- _SAVE HIM_!” The orderly who had taken him had locked his arms around Dean’s, holding him firmly in place no matter how much he struggled, and Jesus did he struggle. He heard Sam yelling in the background, but the most prominent noise was still that beep. It was never ending.

Until it did.

And Dean knew what that meant.

Some people, optimistic people, might feel joy. They might cheer, and think _oh thank God_ because obviously if it stopped beeping the person was alive.

Dean knew better. So instead, Dean began to scream. “ _NO! Please, no, not Cas, NOT MY CAS PLEASE GOD NO_!” Chuck came out of the curtained room, removing yet another pair of gloves. He wouldn’t look at Dean. “Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking say it. Don’t you dare. _Don’t you dare_.”

“Mr. Winchester-”

“DON’T YOU SAY IT!”

“Despite our best efforts, we couldn’t save Dr. Novak. He was pronounced dead at 9:07pm. I’m so very sorry for your loss.” It was then that Dean’s knees finally gave out. He found himself on the floor, head in his hands as what could only be described as sobs left his mouth. He pushed away when arms wrapped around him, screaming at them to fuck off, but they didn’t. And they were Sam. Sam, who was crying onto Dean’s shoulder, whispering how sorry he was, sobbing that it was all his fault, how sorry he was, _how sorry he was, please Dean, please I’m so sorry_. Dean had gone numb. He stopped making any noise. He wiped his eyes, and he stood stonily. He felt like a robot, pulling Sam up with him, who was clinging to him and not able to do anything but sob and try to speak. And now it was Dean consoling Sam. Because Dean was always the one who was helping, never the one who got to grieve. He just stowed the shit and moved on.

Because that was Dean’s problem.

He never got to grieve.

\--------------------------

When Dean had gotten Sam under control, he flipped through his contacts, stopping at the one saved as _Floppy Haired Douchebag_. He hit the call button and took a deep breath, looking anywhere but the space where they were taking a gurney with a sheet over a body out of Cas’s room. Oh Jesus. Oh _fucking Christ_. It was Cas. _That was Cas_. Dean put his hand over his face, trying desperately to calm himself.

“Listen here, bucko, if you’ve gotten your dick stuck-”

“Gabriel,” Dean croaked, and was shocked to find how teary and raw his voice was.

“Dean? What is it? What’s happened?” Gabriel’s voice went from arrogant dickbag to concerned brother in two seconds flat.

“It’s Cas, Gabe. We’re at Lawrence General, ICU.”

“I’m coming.” The phone clicked shut. Dean knew he should call Bobby, Mary, _somebody_. But couldn’t. Not right now. He knew he would crack if he called, and he needed to be strong. He needed to just get through this. Just push past it.

Gabriel arrived in record time, shoving past doctors and the like and stopping when he saw Dean. Well, likely it was Sam that made him stop. He just froze.

“Gabe-”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Gabriel said dismissively, shaking his hand. “Take me to my brother.”

“Gabe-”

“Take me to my brother,” he demanded, voice cracking on the word brother. Dean could feel it in his chest- the guilt, the sorrow, the desire to just scream for hours.

“There was an accident, Gabe.”

“Castiel can explain it to me. Which room is his?”

“He was hurt real bad, Gabe.”

“He can tell me!” Gabriel snapped.

“He died, Gabe,” Dean breathed, the whisper of a sentence piercing Gabriel’s ears, causing him to stand stock still, absolutely frozen. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t lie to me. Where’s Castiel?”

“He’s gone, Gabe.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He’s a _doctor_! He _saves_ people! This can’t- this-” Gabriel stopped, tears pouring down his face, knees going weak as Dean stepped forwards, wrapping Gabriel in his arms, who clung to him like a child.

“I’m so sorry, Gabriel.” He didn’t speak. Neither of them spoke. Sam watched from the chairs, head bowed, knees drawn up to his chest.

Dean didn’t know what to do.

\---------------------------

Dean didn’t want to meet Castiel’s family like this.

They were supposed to be invited to Michael’s house, all of them sitting down to a big dinner. Everyone would be there. Michael and his wife, their kids, grandkids, there were two, just little babies. Hael and Lucifer wouldn’t be there, but it would be alright, because everyone else would show up- Gabriel, Balthazar, Anael- they would show up and everyone would be decent. Cas would be happy, Dean would be happy.

Instead, he met all five of Castiel’s siblings and his cousin as well as their descendants in a way he never thought possible. Everyone was wearing black. The funeral was held in a large church that was apparently previously run by the Novak clan. Dean zoned out for a lot of the ceremony. For a brief moment, as he looked around, he wondered to himself- might he and Cas have been married in this church?

But it was too late for those thoughts. Much too late. Looking around the vast room, Dean saw many people he recognized. His mother, Sam, Meg, Chuck- even Bobby had come. It hurt his heart looking at Bobby. Ellen should have been at his side, they should have been there together. But she was gone too. Everyone was gone. Dean was brought back to his senses by Mary squeezing his hand. Michael was finishing his short speech.

“And,” he concluded, “I believe that Dean Winchester wished to say a few words.” Clearing his throat, Dean stood, approaching the podium and resisting moving his tie around. He didn’t know how Sam wore these things every day. Stupid monkey suits. But Cas was worth it. He would always be worth it.

“Hey,” Dean began, feeling like an idiot. “I, uh, I probably should’ve brought cue cards or something, but I guess it’s a little late for that.” There was a murmur of laughter from the crowd before they fell silent again. “Anyways. As I’m sure, well, probably all of you know, I was dating Cas.” Dean fell silent for a moment. The _was_ hung heavy in his heart. “Cas was so great. I’m- I’m so lucky he chose to be with me. He could’ve had whoever he wanted, but he chose me. And I’ll always be grateful for that. Wherever he is, he’s probably cursing my name for ruining this shindig with my shitty, sappy words, but hey- at least I’m trying, right?” Dean shrugged. As he looked out, he saw people dabbing at their eyes. Anael had her hand over her mouth and was looking up at Dean with wet eyes. “I loved him. Simple enough. I… I wish I had told him that. I wish we’d had more time, but… I’m happy with what time we did have. Just wish we could’ve finished Star Wars,” Dean laughed. “I wish I could’ve baked him that blueberry pie for his birthday. I wish we could’ve gotten that stupid cat he wanted. But wishing won’t make it happen, I guess. Fuck, sorry, wait, shit there are kids- fuck it. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I just… I miss him. Already. So. Yeah.” With that, Dean stepped down and the pastor took his place. Dean froze on the last step before his seat.

Was that?

It couldn’t be.

Dean blinked and he was gone. Because he had never been there. He was losing his fucking mind. He wasn’t there. He _wasn’t_.

Dean sat down, wiping a stray tear from his face and looking over at his mother, who wrapped him in a tight hug. He hugged her back, staying in her arms for a few quick moments. She was just so _warm_.

The rest of the funeral was quiet, peaceful. They all got into their cars and drove up to the cemetery. Cas was cremated, like he had wanted. They buried his ashes in the plot he had picked out when he first moved to town. At least the guy knew what he wanted. Afterwards, everyone travelled back to Gabriel’s house, the biggest area to hold the after effects of the funeral. Not many people stayed, whether it was just too much or they had to go to work at the hospital. In the end, it was just the Winchesters and the Novaks sitting around in a living room with an uncomfortable silence in the air.

“So,” Michael began, looking around the room, “you’re Dean’s mother?” His question was directed to Mary, and she nodded.

“Yes. Dean and Sam are my sons.” Michael nodded and fell silent.

“This is awkward as fuck,” Gabriel breathed.

“Gabe!” Anael snapped, covering the ears of a young child that was beside her- Lucifer’s son, Dean believed.

“Well it’s true!” Gabriel whined. Dean rolled his eyes with the rest of the group.

“When did you meet Castiel, Dean?” Balthazar piped up.

“Actually, it was Sam who met him first.” Dean shot Sam a look, and he fumbled with his hands before looking up.

“Uh, yeah. He lives- lived. Sorry. Lived in our old house, and when I stopped by he answered the door.” Balthazar nodded.

“He was quite fond of that house, always said he would fix it up.”

“Yeah, and then he called me and was like “Gabriel, I might have a problem.” The dumbass broke his goddam finger, couldn’t do surgery for three months,” Gabe laughed. “He was miserable with the office work, hated all the chicken pox the kids had.”

“I remember when he had chicken pox,” Lucifer said, speaking for the first time. “He cried for days.”

“Well _you_ didn’t have to deal with it,” Michael muttered.

“Neither did you!” Anael said. “I was the one who stayed home from work and had to deal with the screaming eight year old!”

“Yeah, she’s got us beat,” Gabe said with a chuckle. “Didn’t he have scars from it on his butt?” Dean burst out laughing at that.

“Little guy sure was a butt scratcher,” Balthazar commented.

“Dean was too,” Mary commented.

“Mom!” Dean yelled, ears turning red. Mary shrugged.

“What? You were! You got them when you were three and kept sticking your hand-”

“Okay!” Dean yelled, clapping his hand. Sam was killing himself laughing at this point, the little shit.

“Oh, really, Sam? Like you didn’t have them when you were eleven that one summer! And who looked after you? Uh huh. That’s right. I rubbed lotion on your bare ass, man!”

“Shut up, Dean!” Sam grumbled. Gabe was nearly pissing himself across the room.

“Don’t make me get out the wallet photos!” Dean told him.

“I don’t understand,” Hael said, like Lucifer, speaking for the first time. “You cared for your brother, yet you had parents?” Mary blushed from beside Dean. Man, he really wanted to punch that girl in the face.

“Our dad died when we were little, not that you need to know. Our mom worked her _ass_ off for us, so yeah, sometimes I watched Sam. You got a problem with that?” Hael watched him patiently.

“Dean,” Mary mumbled, placing a hand on his arm.

“No, mom, this isn’t a concern of hers. Hell, Cas hadn’t even _seen_ her in fifteen years! Tell me, Hael, what _are_ you doing here?” Dean asked. She flinched at that.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Lucifer said, rising from his seat.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m just-” Dean waved his hand, looking away from Hael and trying to calm down his anger.

“It’s okay,” Hael murmured. “We’re all grieving.” The room was once more plunged into silence. People would try to make small talk, but it just wasn’t working out.

“Remember that one time when Cassie made me rob a candy shop?” Michael rolled his eyes at that.

“Uncle Gabe,” a short brunette butted in, Michael’s daughter, holding a small baby, “that was all you.” Gabe looked mortified.

“Rachel, how _dare_ you accuse me of such things?” he asked, holding a hand to his chest.

“Because they’re true!” a teenage boy across the room yelled out. “Uncle Castiel told us all about it. He doesn’t lie, Uncle Gabe.” Gabe rolled his eyes.

“And to think, you used to be my favourite, Inias. Not anymore. Now it’s Hannah,” he said, pointing at a grinning little girl. Dean thought she might be another of Lucifer’s- he had appeared with a little boy and girl. He was only a year younger than Michael, but he must have started a late family. Inias rolled his eyes at his uncle. “I’m done with your sass, mister!”

“Gabriel, this is ridiculous,” Lucifer muttered, but he had a smile on his face.

“Exactly!” Gabe said, standing and grabbing a random nephew from the room, swinging him around in a wild dance. “This is just what Castiel would have resisted laughing at! He would love this, our family together. Come on, Josiah, laugh with us!” The boy was biting a smile back. Anael grinned up at the two of them; Josiah must have belonged to her. Dean was trying to get them all straight; Michael and his wife had two kids who were married with babies. Lucifer had two kids and no wife. Gabe was an asshole/bachelor. Anael had a son but no husband. Hael had four kids and a husband, but they’re divorced. Balthazar had two kids but his wife had died. Cas… Cas had had Dean. Sam had had Jess, Mary John. Jesus fuck, all the Winchesters were good at was killing spouses. Dean felt the smile wipe right off his face at that thought. Because it was all too true.

“Dean?” Mary murmured, taking his hand. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, mom,” Dean said, “of course.” He attempted a weak smile, looking up at her. But his eyes slid to the window behind her and he stopped dead, hand squeezing tightly around hers.

“Cas?” he breathed. Blinking, he was gone. Dean stood, walking to the window and looking out. When he turned back, heart pounding, he found that the room had gone silent, everyone staring at hm. “Uh. Sorry. Thought I saw a stray dog.” Mary looked at him with creased eyebrows. Sam looked worried, while everyone else looked frightened yet relieved. Things died down after that. Sam had to fly back out to California, so Dean drove him to the airport while Mary went home.

At the airport, Sam contemplated staying, something Dean wouldn’t stand for. “Sam, you can’t give up your life for me. I’m fine.”

“Dean…”

“Sam. Look at me. I. Am. Fine.”

“It wasn’t your fault, okay?”

“It wasn’t yours either, Sammy.”

“I know that. But do you?”

“Sam…”

“Dean, it really wasn’t your fault, please, this thing is going to kill you if you let it.”

“Sam-”

“I love you, Dean, but you need to let this go.”

“I will.”

“Not him. Keep him in your heart. But the situation, Dean, just… it wasn’t-”

“I get it, Sam, I really do.”

“Okay.” He wrapped his brother in a hug, Dean returning it tightly. They stood for a moment before Sam stepped back, smiling sadly at him before heading to the terminal, waving at Dean with his ticket in hand. Dean stood with and watched as he boarded, standing with his hands in his pockets while the plane took off.

Dean stood for a long time after.

\----------------------

Dean went home to an empty apartment. Over the past few months, he had either been staying at Cas’s or Cas had crashed here. Since Dean’s house was closer to the hospital, Cas was there nearly every day. Now it was empty, and Dean really felt it. It was pressing down on him like a weight as he dropped his keys in the bowl, kicking off his shoes and stumbling into the living room. He nearly had a heart attack when he saw his mother sitting on his couch.

“Mom? What are you doing here?” he asked, brows pulling together. He saw that she had a photo album in her lap.

“Here, come sit with me, Dean,” she insisted. Dean crept forwards, sitting carefully on the couch. Mary immediately flipped the book open, a smile caressing her face. “This is when you were born. Just before, they snapped a picture when your father kissed me. And here, this was when we brought you home.” She kept narrating pictures as they went through the old book. Nearing the end, Dean felt his heart clench. “And here’s Sam and Jess. They sent me this one when I asked for a picture, so I printed it. And these are from that Christmas she spent with us, and their visit in the summer last year. And these are from my past birthday.” Dean knew what was coming. He knew, but he didn’t want it to happen. She flipped the page and Dean slammed his eyes shut, locking his jaw and fighting tears. Mary’s voice grew soft. “This was the first time I met Cas. I took this of the two of you when you weren’t looking. And this one is when we went to the beach. Actually, this whole page is. You two were so ridiculously adorable. Oh, look, here’s the one where you buried Cas in the sand! Remember that? And I got some pictures of you spraying him with that hose. Remember when I visited the old house for the first time? You two thought I couldn’t hear you kissing in the kitchen, but I got this one.” Mary pulled out a picture of Dean in an apron, Cas leaning over and kissing him with a smile on his face. Cas had a wooden spoon in his hand and flour in his hair. He looked happy.

Dean looked happy.

“Mom-” he croaked.

“Keep it,” she said, pressing the picture into Dean’s hand. Dean looked from the picture to his mother, shaking his head; he couldn’t just take it. “Yes, you _will_ , young man. I can print more if I want to.” Dean sighed.

“I guess I can’t talk you out of it, huh?” he asked, a small smile on his lips.

“Nope,” Mary said, patting him on the cheek. She looked around. “Didn’t you two ever take pictures?” Dean quieted at that.

“On my phone, and his, sometimes. I guess we just forgot. I wish we hadn’t, but we did.”

“Oh, Dean, sweetie…”

“It’s okay,” Dean shrugged. “At least I have this one,” he said, looking down at the photo in his lap and gently running his finger along the outline of it.

\--------------------------

Dean kept seeing him. He would turn in the apartment, and blue eyes would be on him. Dean would blink and he was gone.

He was doing pretty well in ignoring it. Constantly.

A month and a half after Cas had died (and fuck if that wasn’t hard to think) Dean finally, as Bobby said, broke. He was under the hood of a Honda (Dean had gone back to work immediately- he had to, it was the only thing keeping him sane) when he stilled, feeling _someone_ behind him. Dean took his hands out of the engine, turning around, his heart stilling. It was _Cas_. He was _right there_. Dean took a stuttering breath, resisting the urge to blink. Dean raised a grease covered hand to _touch_ him- he was gone. Just like that.

Dean wasn’t sure what happened next. He just knew that when he finally realized what was going on, Garth was on the ground beside a van, a hand over his slowly swelling eye, and Ash had even come over from the techno gadget area, arms over his stomach as he groaned on the floor. Dean was on his knees, sobbing hysterically- Becky was running towards Ash, hands over her mouth. Bobby came in and slapped him- that was when he came to.

“Get up, y’idjits,” Bobby grumbled to his other employees, gently helping Dean to his feet and half carrying him to his office. Bobby sat Dean down in a chair where he just buried his face in his hands and didn’t- couldn’t look up. Bobby left the room as Dean sobbed, unable to control himself. When he had finally stopped, he hung his head, gritting his teeth and waiting to be fired. Bobby reentered, sitting down across from Dean.

“Bobby-” the other man held up his hand, silencing Dean.

“When Ellen died, I started drinkin’. Hard. She and Jo were my life, boy. You remember how I was. Always late to work, angry at the world, closin’ the shop for no good reason. I lashed out. I hated everyone. Damn near drank myself to death.” Bobby paused, looking at a picture of his wife and step daughter that he always kept on his desk. He sighed, taking off his baseball cap and running a hand over his balding head before replacing the hat. “Only thing that pulled me out was you, boy. You kept me goin’. I’m gonna do the same, y’hear?”

“Bobby…”

“Dean, you’re hurting. I understand that. Boy, I think this is your breaking point. Your rock bottom. You know what the best part of that is?” Dean shook his head. “There ain’t nowhere to go but up.” Bobby sighed again, shaking his head and looking down. “I know you ain’t okay. I know that. But Dean- is everything alright in yer head? Have you been seein’ shit? It’s okay if ya have, boy. Just… you gotta tell me.”

“No, Christ no, Bobby,” Dean said immediately. Jesus Christ, if Bobby knew he was going that crazy Dean was sure he’d end up in a crazy ward, and fuck if that was happening. He could work this out on his own. He could. There was nothing wrong with him. He could do this.

Or at least he kept saying that to himself.

“Well, if there’s ever anything you need-”

“I got it, Bobby.”

“Alright. You can take the rest of the day off.”

“Bobby-”

“Take the next couple’a weeks too. Look, I called Sam, he says he got time off, you’re headin’ down to pick him up tonight and yer gonna take a road trip. You need to get yer head straight, boy.”

“Do I have a say in this?”

“No. Called yer mom too. She says have fun.”

“Fuck, Bobby, why are you doing this?”

“For both of us. You need to get yer head screwed on right, and I need a mechanic who won’t conk out. Go pack- Sam expects you soon.” Dean stood as Bobby did, one hand still on his head as he left the office. Garth was sitting in a chair in the auto room, an ice bag on his eye. He nodded qt Dean as he walked out. Ash was nowhere to be seen, nor was Becky.

“Garth, man-” Dean started. Garth just waved his hand at him.

“Don’t worry, Dean. I get it. We’re fine, amigo,” Garth told him, flashing him a thumbs up. Dean chuckled and shook his head.

“Thanks, Garth,” he told him.

“Don’t say a thing. Ash is cool too, but you have some ass kissing to do with Becky.” Dean sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yeah, better get on that,” he mumbled, leaving the work room and heading to reception. People stared at him as he walked to the front desk- practically the whole town knew what had happened with Cas, and Lawrence was a small town. Dean felt a blush travelling into his face as he leaned over the reception desk, trying to get Becky’s attention while she tried her best to ignore him.

“Becky-” he started, once more being cut off.

“It’s fine, Dean,” she said, eyes flicking up from the computer before refocusing. Dean sighed, running a hand down his face.

“It’s not. And I’m sorry. I really am, Becky.”

“Dean, don’t mention it. I get it.”

“Becky-”

“Just stop!” she yelled, before covering her mouth and looking around the room. She straightened in her seat. “If I lost- shit. I just- don’t feel bad. We all get it. Okay?”

“Yeah. Uh, thanks, Becky.” She nodded and turned back to her screen. “Is there anything I can do-”

“Unless you can get your hunk of a brother to go out with me, no.” Dean snorted and she laughed along with them. Becky pissed Dean off- a lot, actually, but joking about Sammy had always eases the tension between the two of them. Dean patted the top of her head as he left, earning him an eye roll, and headed out to go home. He decided to take a detour, head up around the national park. It had calmed him since he was a child, driving around in his baby and looking up at the trees.

That is, it was calming until Dean saw _him_.

Slamming on the brakes, Dean stopped dead in the road, flinging himself out of the car and running to the trunk, yelling “CAS! Cas?” before slumping down against the car, fisting his hair in his hands. “FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK OFF! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! FUCK!” Dean sat for another minute before he dragged himself up, getting into the Impala and starting her, driving as fast as he could to just _get away_. He arrived at his apartment and, not giving it a second thought, threw enough clothes to last him two weeks into a duffel, throwing it over his shoulder and storming out, being sure to lock the door behind him.

He needed this.

Didn’t he?

\---------------------------

Dean was knocking on Sam’s door two days later. Sam had gotten a new apartment since the previous June all the way across town, trying to force Jess out of his mind. He immediately wrapped Dean into a hug, mumbling nonsense about how he was so happy to see him and where did he want to go and other things Dean needed to decide on.

“Sam! Sam, calm down, man. I’m fine, okay?” Sam crossed his arms and all Dean could think was _here it comes_.

“You’re not _fine_ , Dean. After Jess died, I was a _mess_.”

“Well I’m not you, am I?” Dean snapped, instantly regretting it. Sam shrank back from his brother, a hurt look on his face. Dean sighed, putting his head in his hands, something he was doing a lot of lately. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“You’re right. This… these are different things. Can we just- go? Get out of here? I’m ready to head out.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Uh, where do you wanna go?” Sam shrugged.

“Always did wanna see the Grand Canyon.” Dean nodded, gesturing out the door.

“Grand Canyon it is,” he said, running down the steps and hopping into the Chevy. Sam was close behind him, easily sliding into the passenger seat and sitting quietly as Dean started up the engine, driving them away from his home.

They were quiet for the first leg of the journey. Neither were really sure what to say. Until Sam finally spoke. “I met someone,” he told Dean. Dean raised his brows.

“ _Met someone_ met someone?” he asked, looking at his brother before refocusing on the road.

“Uh, yeah. Here name’s Ruby. She seems really cool.” Dean nodded.

“What’s she like?”

“Well, she works as a waitress, trying to put herself through school.”

“How old is she?”

“My age. She worked for a while to be able to pay the initial fee, y’know?” Dean nodded once more. He definitely knew. “She has brown hair and these gorgeous brown eyes- and she’s so _nice_ , Dean.”

“But?”

“But I feel like I’m betraying Jess. Like… like I’m crapping on her memory or something.” Dean shook his head.

“Sam, you’re happiness doesn’t sully your memories of her. She would _want_ this. Man, she’d slap you silly if she knew you were spending all this time moping about her.”

“I’m just worried, Dean.”

“Worried about what?”

“What if Jess was it, man?”

“It what?”

“The _one_ , Dean. What if Jess was _the one_?”

“She probably was, Sam. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy with Ruby. Listen, dude, Jess will always be with you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love her _and_ someone else.” Sam fell silent for a length of time, pondering what Dean had said.

“What about Cas?” Dean tried not to flinch at the name.

“What about him?”

“Was he… was he your Jess?” Dean sighed, grip tightening on the wheel.

“Yeah, Sam. He was.” The car was deathly silent as they drove, and remained so until they reached the hotel they were staying in for the night. They could have made it in a day, but Dean got there in the afternoon of a day of driving, and he was bushed. They paid for the room and headed in, Sam plopping down on the bed as Dean sat and opened up his laptop, making sure they were on the right route. He jumped at a clap of thunder- where the _fuck_ had that come from?

Dean stood from his chair, rigid and knocking it over.

It was _Cas_. He was _right there, right in front of him, just out the window!_ Dean could feel his heart pounding as he crept closer to the window. There was a flash of lightning and then- nothing.

He was gone.

Again. Dean ran for the bathroom, trying to throw up as quietly as he could so as not to alarm Sam. He moved to the sink with a groan, splashing water over his face and drinking some to clear the taste out of his mouth. He looked up with a groan and froze.

_Cas_.

Tripping on his own feet, Dean stumbled backwards, falling out of the bathroom with a shout and landing hard on the ground. He moved backwards as fast as he could, trying to force the image of Cas, filthy and covered in dirt from his mind.

_Nonononono. We burned him. He can’t be dirty. We burned him._

“Dean? Dean!” Sam yelled, and suddenly there was six and a half feet of _Sam_ in his face, not six feet of dead _Cas_. Sam grabbed a hold of his shoulders, shaking him and trying to get him to focus. “Dean, what is it? What’s wrong? Dean!”

“Nothing,” Dean whispered hoarsely. “It’s nothing, Sammy.”

“Nothing my ass! What the _fuck_ Dean!?” Sam yelled, stepping back and hauling his brother to his feet. Dean just shook his head.

“I can’t, Sam.”

“Can’t what? What the fuck happened?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Dean. I’m your brother. You can tell me anything. Sit down, you’re shaking,” Sam said, helping his brother to take a seat on the edge of the bed and plopping down beside him.

“Sam… I think I’m going crazy.” Sam snorted, and then stopped, eyes wide when he caught sight of Dean’s expression.

“Okay. Why?”

“I… fucking… I _see him_ , Sam. I- I look out the fucking window and he’s _there_. Watching me. At the shop… he was _behind me_ and then he wasn’t and I was just so _angry_. Why, Sammy? Why is he… fucking haunting me?” Dean stopped, realizing how batshit crazy he sounded. Sam was watching him with careful eyes.

“I think you need to talk to someone, Dean,” Sam commented lowly. Dean was the one to snort this time.

“I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” Sam shook his head.

“Well, yeah, but I’m talking about a professional someone, y’know?”

“A shrink? What, are you gonna throw me in the looney bin, Sammy?”

“No, Dean, that’s not-” Sam stopped, running his hands through his hair. “Man, if you let it, this thing is gonna keep messing with you. You gotta learn to walk past it, or you need to ask for help.” Dean nodded, focusing on the loose threads on his jeans.

“I think I’m gonna be okay, Sammy. I mean… I think telling you was good. Is good, but anyone else… I’m fine. Really, Sam. I’m fine.”

“If you need anything-”

“I know, Sammy.”

“I’m always here. And on this trip, talk to me, okay? Tell me when these things happen, to I can help you.”

“I will, Sam. I will.”

\-----------------------

Dean didn’t tell Sam. The two of them were driving when Dean slammed on the brakes for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last few weeks. He fell out of the Impala and ran forwards, shouting “CAS, CAS!” He dropped onto the road where Cas was-

He was gone.

Standing, Dean screamed clutching at his hair, tears in his eyes aa he spun around. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

“DEAN!” Sam yelled, running forwards. Dean pushed him back and Sam fell- hard.

“Sammy, oh, God, Sam are you okay?” Dean asked, falling beside him and scraped his knees on the pavement, desperately trying to get closer to his brother.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Sam stood, wincing as he moved his hands, which were a mix of gravel and bright red at this point. Dean raised and lowered his hands, trying to fix something he couldn’t, not sure what he was supposed to do. “Dean-”

“Don’t, Sammy.”

“I think you need help,” Sam breathed, moving himself forwards before falling back.

“Sam-”

“Please, Dean. Just… back home, in California, there’s a hospital we can go to-”

“NO, SAM.” Sam flinched and Dean sighed, looking down. “I’m not crazy,” he whispered.

“You’re not, Dean. Just… just grieving. Let me help you. I’ve been going to the hospital, too, there’s a therapist there who’s a grief counsellor. I’m not talking about throwing you in there, man, just… just talk to him. Mom and Bobby never even have to know. Just one session.” Dean squeezed his eyes shut, head tucked against his chest.

“Okay. Okay, Sam. Just one.” Sam smiled at him, wrapping his arms around his brother, trying not to get blood on his jacket. “Fuck, Sam, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, man. I’ll just grab a towel, pick the gravel out, it’ll be fine.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Dean. Stop.”

“Sam-”

“Just forget it, okay?” They got in the car, Sam grabbing a towel from the trunk before he sat down in the passenger seat beside Dean.

“Still wanna go to the Grand Canyon?” Dean asked.

“Why don’t we get this over with, and then double back?” Dean nodded stiffly.

“Yeah, sure, Sammy.” They drove in silence from then on. Neither spoke a single word. They arrived at Sam’s apartment at eleven. He had called the therapist during one of their pit stops, making an appointment for Dean for the next day. There had been a patient released from the hospital, and he had a free space. Dean went. But he went grudgingly.

“So,” the doctor said as Dean sat across from him, “you’re Dean.”

“I am,” Dean replied simply enough.

“Your brother tells me you’ve been having some troubles.” Dean swallowed hard at that, nodding. “Seeing, hearing things that aren’t there?”

“Uh.”

“You can tell me anything, son. Doctor patient confidentiality.” Dean nodded again, for better lack of anything to do.

“I watched my boyfriend die.” The doctor nodded, and gestured for him to go on. “Before that, my dad, he died when I was little. In a fire. And I lost a close friend and her daughter in a robbery. And less than a year ago, my brother’s fiancée died in a fire. Cas, my boyfriend, got in a car accident. They couldn’t save him.” The doctor was writing all of this down and it was making Dean antsy, his fingers tapping against the arm of the chair.

“Go on, son.” Dean took a deep breath, moving his head to look at the ceiling.

“I keep seeing him. Everywhere. At first, it was just glimpses. And then he would be gone. But- it got worse, fast. He was _everywhere_. I got angry, and I- I blacked out. I hit my friends.” Dean felt his voice catch, swallowing down the emotion he knew was about to bubble up. “I pushed Sam,” he whispered. “We were driving, and I _saw him_ , in the road, he was _there_ , he was _hurt_ , and I _couldn’t help him_. Sam was just trying to help. And I _pushed him_. Who _does_ that?”

“Dean,” the doctor said, taking his glasses off of his face and setting them down on the table beside the file that surely held Dean’s name. “This is serious. These hallucinations, blackouts- it isn’t healthy. And- with your permission- I would like to admit you to the hospital for observations.” Dean froze in his seat, his entire body tense as he stared at the doctor with wide eyes. “It’s not bad to ask for help, Dean.”

“I’m not crazy,” he whispered. The doctor chuckled.

“No, you’re not. But you need help. And I think the only way I can help you is if you stay here.”

“I have to go to work.”

“According to your brother, you have the next two weeks off. What do you say, Dean? Why don’t you give it two weeks? Maybe, by the end of it, you’ll want to stay, because we really do help people here.” Dean stood abruptly, eyes focused behind the doctor.

_No. He’s not real. HE’S NOT REAL._

“Dean?”

“He’s-” Dean stuttered, failing in trying to speak, and just gesturing before he dropped his head in hands, letting out a low scream. “Make it stop, doc. Please, God, make it stop.”

“Dean? Dean, look at me.” Dean opened his eyes, finding the doctor now standing and reaching a hand across his desk. “He’s not there. He’s not real, Dean.” Dean nodded. Looking up, Cas was gone. Dean let out a loud breath, trying to control himself.

“I know, doc,” Dean whispered. “Just… can you make it stop?”

“I can try,” the doctor said, giving Dean a small smile. “What do you say?” Dean stood for another moment.

“Fuck it,” he said, nodding his head. “Okay. I’m in.”

** Part Three: Keep Going, No Matter What **

Sam called Mary and Bobby for him. Mary wanted to fly out, but Dean refused to let her do something so foolish. Bobby told him to take all the time he needed- they would survive, and his job would be there for him whenever he needed it. Dean settled in decently. The other patients treated him kindly, and told him they were sure he would be out soon- he seemed sane enough.

And he was. In the day, that was. He was beginning to control it. Seeing Cas in the corners was becoming commonplace, and he could handle it. But it was at night when the dreams started that he knew he would never leave that place.

All he dreamt about was Cas. Cas coming in, begging Dean to save him, to help him, _why didn’t you save me, Dean? Why did you let me die? You were right there, Dean. Why didn’t you save me?_ He put on a brave face around the others, but he was sure he told the doctor everything. He had never been so honest before. Ever. He just wanted Cas _gone_.

On the two week mark in the psych ward, Dean decided to stay. Sam was proud of him. Sam visited every day, snuck Dean in candy bars and even a burger once. Sam told him he was going on a date with Ruby. If anything, Sammy was okay. Dean had done right by his little brother, and that was something he could be proud of if anything. It was what made Dean stay. Sam being _proud_ of him, his mother agreeing with it- he realized he needed this. And he was okay with it for once. Asking for help seemed simple enough now that he had done it.

\--------------------------

The days started melting together. Dean stopped just _dreaming_ Cas- Cas was _everywhere_. Staring, accusing, begging. Dean couldn’t take it. He didn’t know how long he even been in the place at this point- it had just turned into avoiding eye contact and grasping at straws with his therapist. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t eat. He was slowly withering away, eyes dull and lifeless. At one point, all he could think was _at least mom doesn’t have to see this. At least the mental break is happening here_. And then Cas had shown up. And dean had stopped thinking at all, preferring to stare blankly.

It hurt less.

“Dean?” someone asked. Dean jumped, scrambling away.

“No. Go away. Leave me _alone_ ,” he hissed. “You’re _not real. Go away_.”

“Dean?” a different voice- a woman’s- asked. Dean snapped his head up.

“What’s happening? What’s happening?” he asked no one. She sat down across from him, taking Dean’s hand in her own. He tried to wrench it away, but this girl had some kind of death grip.

“My name is Sarah, Dean. Sarah Blake.”

“Okay,” Dean said, squeezing his eyes shut. He was, of course, hit with an onslaught of memories of Cas and Cas dying and Cas hurt- but at least he knew these weren’t real. They were just memories.

“I watched my dad die.” Dean snapped his head up. She couldn’t be a patient, could she? There was no gown, and her eyes… they weren’t haunted. “I thought it was a picture. I thought the picture came to life and killed my dad. And I just _watched_. Just _let him die_.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Dean asked.

“Because it wasn’t the picture, Dean. It was a man. Nothing more. And I did all I could, _but I couldn’t save him_. I almost let the guilt kill me, Dean. _All this guilt is killing you_. You have to let go, Dean. _You have to_.” With that, she stood, letting her hand fall on Dean’s once more before she left the room. Dean never saw her again.

He stood from the table, trying not to stumble as he left the main room. He wandered down the hall, his hands grabbing at his clothes and twitching by his sides as he strode by doctors and nurses and-

_No_.

It wasn’t him.

Because he wasn’t real, _he was dead_.

But he was _there, right there, so close_.

Dean stopped backing into a corner as he moved towards him. “Stop. Please stop. Please.” But he didn’t. He came closer, closer, he was _so real_. Dean could _smell him_ , he smelled like death and rotting and _Jesus Christ he was so close please God no_. Dean shrunk back against the wall, covering his face with his hands as-

Cas was in the road.

Everywhere. It was EVERYWHERE. STOP IT STOP BLEEDING STOP IT STOP IT.

Dean couldn’t help.

He was _right there_ and Dean was _useless_ Dean was _broken_.

Cas-

In the window

By the bed

In the mirror

Smiling, laughing

Dead, rotting corpse, burned ash, the smell, _THE SMELL_ -

“STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!” Dean screamed, covering his ears with his hands and pressing his face into his knees. “Please, God, I’m so _sorry_ , Cas, I’m SO SORRY! But it _wasn’t my fault_ , Cas. IT WASN’T MY FAULT! I did EVERYTHNG I could for you, Cas. IT WASN’T MY FAULT!” With that last sentence, Dean stood, lunging forwards. But he wasn’t there. “Cas?” Dean looked around and saw a nurse hurrying towards him with a concerned expression.

“Mr. Winchester? Come with me, come on, let’s get you back to your room, okay sweetie?” she said, gently placing her hand on his arm. He nodded, allowing her to gently lead him back down the hall. Dean’s head wouldn’t stop moving- where was Cas? He was just… _gone_.

The nurse took Dean back to his room, saying she would come get him for his session with Doctor Edwards in ten minutes. Dean nodded, laying down on his bed and looking around. What time was it? Hell, what _day_ was it? Month, even. Dean closed his eyes, and was greeted by blissful black. He wanted to fucking _sob_. He was _so tired. So tired_. It seemed like it had been three seconds when the nurse was waking him, telling him Doctor Edwards was waiting. As Dean walked down the hall, he was again swiveling his head around, eyes searching to find Cas.

He couldn’t.

When Dean sat down, the first thing he asked was the date.

He had been in there for _six weeks_. How was that even _possible_? And where was Sam? Dean hadn’t seen Sam in… Jesus, _three fucking weeks_.

“It’s been so long,” Dean whispered. The doctor frowned.

“Are you alright, Dean?”

“I don’t see him.”

“What?”

“He’s _gone_. Cas is _gone_. He was right there, and now he’s _gone_.”

“You’ve stopped seeing him?”

“I…” Dean looked around the room, searching the corners and peaking under the desk. “I think I have.” The doctor nodded, writing more things down in Dean’s ever growing folder.

“I hate to say this, Dean, but we’re going to keep monitoring you. I want to be _sure_ you’ve stopped seeing him. Just because you have for today, doesn’t mean anything for tomorrow. Do you understand?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Good, good.”

“Doc?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“My brother… why hasn’t he been visiting?” The doctor frowned. Dean had been blacking out since the day he got there; time had been a strange thing, something he couldn’t keep track of. Maybe now that he could fucking _think_ , he could kick Sam’s ass for leaving him.

“I’m really not sure, Dean. Why don’t you give him a call?” Doc suggested. Dean nodded.

“Thanks. I… I think I have a few people to call, actually.” Dean smiled, a true smile, for the first time in weeks. They spoke for a while longer, and soon Dean’s session was up. He made a beeline for the phones, deciding to call his brother before Mary or Bobby. Hell, he was in a decent mood, maybe he’d call Gabriel too. The phone rang before going to voicemail. Dean hung up and tried again. When he didn’t pick up that time, Dean figured he might be at work. _Third time’s the charm_ , Dean thought to himself, dialing for what would be the last time.

“What?” a tired voice snapped. Dean’s eyebrows pulled together.

“Sam?” he asked.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Where the hell have you been, man!?” Dean demanded, anger slowly growing. His eyes kept casting furtive glances around the room- would Cas appear? Would he come back?

“Dean?”

“Who the fuck else would this be?”

“Aw, shit, Dean. Shit! _Shit_!”

“Yeah, shit, you fucking dickbag. It’s been three weeks, Sammy!”

“Oh my God, Dean, I’m so sorry. Hold on, I’m on my way, just hold on,” Sam said, hanging up the phone. _Well that was fucking weird_. He sighed, trying to calm down his erratic heartbeat. Dean dialed his mother’s number next.

“Hello?” she asked, answering on the first ring.

“Mom?”

“Dean! Oh, Dean, baby, it’s been so long! I was so worried! How are you? Do you need me to fly out? Are you still in California? Have you heard from Sam?”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down. What do you mean have I heard from Sam? Of course I’m still in California- what’s going on?”

“Dean, Sam hasn’t called in three weeks. He said… he said he had work, and then… nothing.”

“He’s on his way over now, I’ll figure this out.”

“Dean…” her voice was low, cautious.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay, baby?” Again, Dean looked around, flinching when someone dropped a TV remote.

“I think I’m gonna be okay, yeah.” Mary let out a loud breath, and Dean knew she was crying.

“I was so worried. I should’ve flown out, oh God, oh Dean, I’m so sorry. I should’ve known, I should’ve-”

“Mom! Mom, stop. It’s okay. I’m- I think… I think I’ll be okay.”

“I should’ve known, Dean.”

“I don’t even think I knew, to be honest.” She sighed.

“Just- call me, okay? Every day. Sam, he never gave me an address of that place, so I couldn’t…” Dean frowned. Why hadn’t Sam told her where it was? What the fuck was going on? Dean didn’t have time for this shit. He was too goddam tired.

“I will. I’ll try and figure this out. I promise.” Dean hung up the phone, sliding down the wall and placing his hands over his ears. Everything was so _fucking loud_. His thoughts were too loud. The TV, the nurses, the patients-

“Mr. Winchester?” Dean’s head snapped up. “Are you feeling alright? Should I take you back to your room?” It was the same nurse as before. Dean read her nametag- Amelia.

“No, my brother- he’s coming. I just… need to think,” Dean said, flashing her a smile and slowly getting to his feet. She frowned at him.

“If you need anything, just ask, Mr. Winchester.” Dean nodded, and she left. He headed back to the couch area, sitting down and waiting for Sam. God, if people would just _shut the fuck up_. Dean snapped out of his thoughts at someone saying his name.

“Dean?” When he looked up, he was greeted by the sight of his Sasquatch of a brother. But… something was wrong. His hair was unruly, and he was thin. Much too thin after just three weeks. His eyes had bags under them, making him look like he hadn’t slept in months, let alone weeks.

“Sammy?” he asked, looking back up. His brother sat beside him heavily, leaning his head back and looking sick. Too sick. “What the _fuck_ , Sam? It’s been fucking _weeks_ and mom is worried sick- you didn’t even tell her where I am!” Dean found himself growing angry. Good. It had been too long since he felt anything but _scared_. Sam just shook his head.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“You look fucking awful, Sam. What the fuck is going on?”

“Dean… Dean, I think I fucked up,” Sam said, voice cracking. He shoved his fists into his eyes. “ _Fuck_ , Dean, I really fucked up. I think… I think I need help.” Dean was immediately in big brother mode.

“What happened? What is it, Sammy?” Dean reached across, about to take his brother’s hand, but _fuck_ that wasn’t- Dean’s eyes flashed up and he was greeted by Cas. “No,” he moaned, throwing his head back.

“Dean?”

“I thought he was gone,” Dean whispered.

“What?” He was walking away. He had never walked before. Just… appeared. Dean stood.

“Don’t leave. I’ll be right back.”

“Dean-”

“Sammy, trust me. Don’t. Move.” Dean ran towards the doors Cas had walked through, glad that it was yard time as he followed him out the doors. “Cas! Cas, stop!” Dean burst through the doors to the outside, stopping and scanning the grounds when Cas disappeared. Dean was about to return, defeated, when he laid eyes on him sitting on a bench. Dean quickly crossed the yard, sitting down beside him on the opposite bench. Cas said nothing, just sat with his hands clasped together. “Cas I’m so sorry. I miss you, Cas. So much. More than you’ll ever know. I wish- I wish I could’ve saved you. But I _couldn’t_ , Cas, don’t you get that? Don’t you understand? I… I’ll never forget you. But you need to _fuck off_ , man. I don’t even think you’re really here. I probably look batshit crazy, talking to no one. But Jesus Christ… I need to move on, to _live_. I can’t _do_ this shit anymore. Please. I gotta let you go, Cas. I’ve gotta. Because this _wasn’t my fault_. It _wasn’t_. You get that, don’t you?” Cas turned and looked at him- and he was _Cas_. He wasn’t that ghostly figure, the rotting corpse, the ash. He was just… Cas. Sitting there in his ridiculous trench coat and tie, hands clasped together, and this big smile on his face. Dean let out what was a mix between a laugh and a sob. “Man, it’s good to see you. Now go away, man, I’m fine.” Again, he said it. “I am _fine_.” As he watched, he saw Cas stand and cross the yard, going to the fence. When Dean blinked, he was gone.

And this time, he truly didn’t come back.

\-------------------------

Sam was still there when Dean got back. Sam told him everything. He went out with Ruby, and she took him to some shady place, told him it was fine, her brother owned it. That was when she put the needle in her arm. Sam wanted to leave, he told Dean everything in him wanted to leave. But she looked at him, and she said ‘It takes the pain away, Sam. Isn’t that what you want? For the pain to go away?’ And he did. And the pain went away. Until it came back. So he called Ruby. And she brought him more. And more, and more. And soon, Sam wasn’t going to work, wasn’t checking ln Dean, calling his mother.

It spiraled out of control faster than Sam could comprehend. And Dean understood. God, Dean got it. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t both angry and worried.

“You go preaching to me this whole time about shrinks and making myself better while you’re out there- what, shooting up? What the _fuck_ , Sam?” Sam put his head in his hands.

“This is too much. You have too much shit already. Fuck. I’ll go, I’ll get this figured out, just-”

“Just what? Sit here? While you suffer?”

“Haven’t you suffered enough, Dean?”

“Haven’t we both?” Sam looked down at his feet, hands clenched together.

“I’m sorry, Dean. For letting you down. Again.” Dean shook his head.

“Don’t apologize, Sam. Just don’t.”

“It’s my greatest sin, you know. All the times I let you down.”

“Sam, just stop. It’s okay. We’re both so fucked… but we’ll figure it out.”

“How do you know, Dean? How does _anyone_ know?”

“Because we always have.”

\------------------------

Dean was in the hospital for another two weeks. He was getting better. He only saw Cas in his nightmares, and while sleeping was still a problem, he was at least eating. He was healthy again. Mary had flown down, and she was staying at Sam’s apartment. They were detoxing Sam. And God did that hurt to think. His baby brother, _detoxing_. Jesus. But he couldn’t focus on it. He had two more days and he would be _out_. At least that’s what Doc said. He just needed to hold onto his sanity.

And he did. Doc shook his hand, and walked him to the door with a big grin on his face. Dean began walking towards Mary, who was out front sitting in the Impala, grinning at her eldest.

“Dean,” Doc said, placing a hand on his shoulder. Dean turned back. “I just want you to know how proud of you I am. Not a lot of people can pull themselves out of that kind of rut, especially with all you’ve dealt with and are still dealing with. If you ever need something, just call, okay son?” Dean nodded.

“I will, Doc. I promise.” He shook Dean’s hand again before letting him descend the stairs to Mary. She hugged him as he got in the car, whispering that she was glad to see him outside again.

“How’s Sam?” Dean asked immediately as Mary put the car in gear.

“Don’t worry about him, sweetie. He’s just fine.”

As they drove down the road, Dean didn’t look back.

\--------------------------

Sam came home with Mary and Dean. He was taking the semester off of school. The administration understood, and they allowed it as long as he took the semester in the summer and then the next two as per usual. Sam had two months to work with Dean at Bobby’s, Mary calling it his ‘recovery period’. Dean wasn’t sure if she meant Sam or himself.

When he arrived back in Lawrence, he avoided the Novaks as well as the cemetery like the plague. He threw himself back into his work. Anything to keep him occupied. The gang welcomed him like he had never left, something Dean would always be grateful for.

It was on his third week back that he finally had to face the inevitable. Mostly because Gabriel came into the shop and snuck right past Becky, making a beeline for Dean.

“Good to see you out of the looney bin,” he called cheerily.

“Gabriel,” Dean growled.

“That’s the name, don’t wear it out.”

“What do you want?” Dean asked.

“How are you, Dean?” Dean was taken aback by the sincerity of his question- he truly wanted to know if Dean was alright. How strange.

“I’m doing okay Gabriel, how about yourself?” Dean asked, turning back to the car. He knew he sounded like a jackass, but it was good to be getting back to his old self again.

“I miss my brother.” Dean paused, gritting his teeth.

“Yeah,” he said, “me too.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, Gabriel.”

“Hey!” Becky yelled out. “You can’t be back here!”

“Well, I better run! Good seeing you, Dean-o!” Gabriel called over his shoulder, dodging Becky and leaving the shop. Dean shook his head, turning back to the car he was working on. Fucking Novaks, always putting their noses where they don’t belong. Dean snorted at Becky’s expression, just shrugging his shoulders and going back to work.

\--------------------------

Dean took Gabriel showing up as a sign. He didn’t want to visit Cas’s grave, but he knew he needed to. He dragged his feet for as long as he could, taking an extra ten minutes at work, actually making his dinner from scratch and Sammy’s too. He took the long way to the cemetery, driving his Baby at the speed limit for the first time since he took his license test. When Dean finally reached the cemetery, he drove to his dad’s plot first. It was easier to talk to his dad than Cas. It probably always would be. Dean turned the car off, getting out of the car and walking over to the headstone that read _John Winchester_.

“Hey, dad,” Dean said, placing his hand over top of the slab of stone. “I’m sorry it’s been so long. Had a lotta shit going on. But I, uh, don’t wanna bore you with that. Things are okay here. Mom’s good, Sammy’s getting better. I, uh, I brought you this.” Dean went back to the car, pulling out a bottle of his dad’s favourite beer. “I was kinda tied up for your birthday, so I couldn’t bring one like I usually do.” Dean twisted the cap off, pouring the beverage over his father’s plot. No one knew he did it; he figured they’d throw a shit fit, which Dean really wasn’t looking for.

“Anyways. A lot’s happened since I was last here. I’ve, uh, actually got a date at another headstone. So I’ll leave you to drink in peace and… head to the other side,” Dean said, gesturing behind himself. God, he really was crazy. Dean tossed the empty bottle into the back of the Impala, climbing in the front and giving his dad a salute as he drove off. He was used to this, visiting his dad, saying his hellos and leaving. But the thought of doing it with Cas sat heavy in his stomach. Would this become some kind of thing? Visit his dad, then his dead boyfriend?

Dean slowed as he approached Cas’s grave. He sat in the Impala for longer than necessary, weighing the pros and cons of getting out of the car and going to the grave. As the sun began to sink behind the clouds in the distance, he finally stood on shaking legs, moving as calmly as he could towards the headstone.

_Castiel Novak_

_December 25 1982 – November 27 2012_

_Beloved brother and friend_

 

And damn if that didn’t hurt to read. Dean’s eyes were already prickling but he _would not cry goddammit_. Taking a steadying breath, Dean moved forwards, placing his hand gently on the headstone, the cold seeping into his palm as he did so. Dean took another deep breath, the release stuttering as he tried to breathe correctly.

“Goddam emotions. Such an inconvenience, huh Cas?” Dean wiped at his eyes. There was a breeze. He was _not_ crying. “The things you do to me, man, it’s just not right. Fuck, Cas, I’m sorry. I’ve said it a hundred times, but I _am_. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and I know that, but it doesn’t make me any less _sorry_. God, am I sorry. I just want you to be here. The real you, not my crazy head’s version. Is that so much to ask for? One more day?” Dean stopped himself. “I need to go. I don’t have anywhere to be, but… I think I need to go. I miss you, man, but this is goodbye. I can’t keep doing this. I won’t forget you. I promise.” Dean slowly slid his hand off the gravestone, looking towards the sky and cursing under his breath as the tears began to fall onto his shirt. He turned and headed back to the Impala, giving the name _Castiel_ one final glance.

As Dean got in the car, starting it up, he felt the words fall off his tongue, and he knew he meant them. He knew this was it. And he wasn’t sure if that was the right choice, but it was the choice he made. As he wiped the tears away, he left the words behind him, and he left the guilt too. Putting down the visor in the Impala, he gingerly plucked out the picture he had stuck in there of Cas and him kissing and laughing. Dean smiled softly at it as he opened the glove compartment, putting it in there and gently whispering the words for a final time.

“Bye, Cas.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what did you think? Leave me your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> Also, come swing by and visit me on Tumblr at fab-unicorn-slippers
> 
> Finally, this fic is based on a YouTube video I came across called Destiel AU by At a Glimpse Team. Check it out in the link below!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNmWVh9D9pk


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